Daily Ethnography

It's 2 a.m. - do you know where your articles are?

2008-05-04T18:24:00.000-07:00

After a week of craziness (well, really, a month of craziness, I suppose), I'm back home with my family for a little break before wandering southward to spend some much needed time with my Sweetie for the summer. Happily or sadly, depending on how you look at it, there really hasn't been a lot to report recently. Work moves at a snail's pass, and the end of semester has finally come and gone with nary a whimper from me or my students. While I have no delusions about not needing to work rather a lot this summer, I am looking forward to some small breaks and maybe taking it a bit easier than I have been for the last little while.

However, I find myself facing a kind of funny situation (weird funny, not so much ha-ha funny). I'm tired of work, and I know that I do need a break. But, now that the pressure's off (well, somewhat off, although not really...more just on very temporary mental trickery kind of hiatus) I find myself inspired to work. But not normal work through the day and have the evenings off kind of inspired. This kind of inspired is frantic at two a.m. inspired. Thus far, it has involved the download of new idea-mapping programs and virtual notecards, the seeking of articles in enormous databases, the filing of data into reference management programs, the reading of theoretial articles in place of the new Jamie Oliver cookbook, and all kinds of other apparently very important tasks that consume me late into the night.

I don't know that I'm complaining, per se. Really, anything that gets me a bit closer to getting the dissertation done, or even a bit closer to just being able to get the dissertation done is fantastic in my books. But I'm hopeful that inspiration doesn't keep hitting so late. This two a.m. thing? It's a wee bit tiring, and doesn't seem to lend itself well to quality work. But, for now, I'll take what I can get.

Endnote love

2008-04-26T11:02:00.000-07:00

I finally updated Endnote on my computer this morning.

It works now.

And it's made me so happy I almost cried.

I'm just sayin'.

That is all.

Food for thought

2008-04-21T16:29:00.000-07:00

Given my recent lack of grocery shopping - which was, admittedly, supposed to happen today but was put off after a surprise request for five vials of blood rendered my left elbow useless for carrying much of anything - I've been living these last few days on some simple yet yummy meals. Thin almost-omlettes studded with mushrooms and onion and very coarsly ground black pepper. Fluffy oatmeal pancakes with syrup and applesauce. Brown rice cooked in veggie broth with kale and carrot. Roasted veggies tossed with olive oil on a bit of pasta.

Food can be a complicated series of relationships. I think rather a lot about food, but in a lot of different ways. I love food - love thinking about new meals, trying new things, turning to old standbys, perusing new cookbooks, heading to the grocery store. I also fear food (or, more accurately, "food") full of unpronouncable ingredients and enough chemicals that it never really seems to go bad. I wonder about it's production, and especially the issues around the labour and transportation and environmental conditions that all get wrapped up in it. I worry about food security issues, especially with the ever-increasing concerns about peak oil and rising food prices. I daydream about producing my own, both because of these worries and because of the fact that there are just so few things better than a plump, sun-warmed, fresh-picked tomato from your own plants coupled with a bit of fresh, home-grown basil.

I tend to eat in trends. I go through periods of loving particular foods, or particular types of foods, and eat them until I no longer want them. Then, it's onto something new, and I'll come back to it eventually. For awhile it was eggs - quiches and omlettes and scrambled egg wraps daily for lunch. For a week or so last month it was edamame with so much salt my tongue started to buzz. Sometimes it's pasta. Often it's sushi (but that I don't generally make myself.) Right now, it's veggies and whole grains which, all things considered, is probably not such a bad way to be eating. I'd like to give some more thought to the ethics of what I eat, though, and how my eating patterns fit into the larger scheme of things. I hardly think I need something else to dwell on, but it seems to be an important and (frightningly) timely issue.

Keywords for life

2008-04-18T21:24:00.000-07:00

Current keywords for the best bits of life:

homemade salad dressing; poems of Pablo Neruda; gold dance shoes; The Quincunx; orange and grey together; "A Cook on the Wild Side" from Hugh Fearnley-Wittingstall and the BBC; addictive no-knead bread with strawberry-rhubarb jam; fresh cucumber-apple-carrot juice; following along with Yoga Today; new contact with old friends; Iron and Wine; sleeveless shirts (finally!); green tea; Emmylou Harris with Mark Knopfler; mad sushi cravings; trolling Apartment Therapy; sleeping late; fresh spring bedding; newfound social life; finishing grading; Anthology of American Folk Music

Month and a half in review (bulleted edition)

2008-04-18T20:55:00.000-07:00

Since my now next-to-last post, I have...

- almost finished teaching an undergrad course (6 more papers to grade!)

- finished my dissertation proposal

- started my dissertation ethics proposal

- complained a lot about both my dissertation proposal and dissertation ethics proposal

- submitted papers for publication - fingers crossed!

- been accepted to a summer program at Oxford

- successfully tested for eighth kyu in aikido

- panicked about being accepted to the summer program at Oxford

- had a long visit with my Sweetie

- ordered a whole pile of dissertation books

- started exercising again

- took a weekly swimming class to improve my skills

- gotten in touch with a few old friends

Lots accomplished. Lots still left to go. But, seeing things listed like this reminds me of the progress that I'm making, and that things are happening. Bit by bit. Step by step. Little by little. Plus, there are all the little moments in between the big things that just fill things out and make life all the better. Great conversations. Good meals. Hugs. Long walks. Compelling reading. Sleeping in. Staying up late. Napping.

There lots of stress, but there's more to smile about. Works for me.

Oops, I did it again?

2008-04-18T20:38:00.000-07:00

No posts for a month and a half. I could say I've been crazy busy with the teaching and the dissertation and all manner of work things, and that would be kind of true. I could say that I just slipped into the ether again, and that would be kind of true too. I could say that I'm just plain old lazy and...well...that would actually probably be pretty true, especially if we factor the state of my apartment into the equation.

But, the truth is, I've been feeling like in writing this blog I've been becoming too serious. Too flat. Too not-me, in some ways. I feel so much funnier in real life. So much more animated and lively and silly. And while I'm not always all of these things consistently or simultaneously (especially now, when I spend a large chunk of my time as a ball of stress for various reasons), I just don't feel like they've been coming across. And, as a result, I'm faced with considering (yet again) what, exactly, I want this space to be, and how I want to be in it, and what I want to do with it.

Tonight I got dressed up all in orange and dark grey, and I walked across the street and gabbed and laughed and ate cheese and donuts with a friend for hours, and it was great. I came home and had a long online conversation with my Sweetie, and that was great too. Now I'm sitting on the couch, window open, breeze blowing, shoes tossed off on the floor beside me, and this is great too.

I don't feel like I'm capturing any of that - the little bits of my life that make it so great. Maybe it feels like something no one else would want to read. Maybe I just need to keep posting until I find some kind of a voice that works and that allows me to keep writing regularly, rather than in fits and starts. Maybe I really did just deserve that B+ that I got for creative writing in undergrad and this just isn't the venue for me.

For now, I'll keep on trying though, and will see what comes out. But, one thing I know is that while I don't necessarily want this whole space to be lighter as a whole, especially as I ponder serious issues in my own life and the world in general, I do want it to have more lightness working its way in.

Very Big City cleanout

2008-02-25T22:04:00.000-08:00

Despite the fact that I always travel with a suitcase, I also have a rather large wardrobe stashed at my sweetie's place. But, there are a few issues with this arrangement.

First, it's a problem in general that I have a wardrobe all ready to go, and yet I'm going to the trouble of packing and hauling "stuff" (as George Carlin terms it) around with me.

Second, when I arrive, I kind of rediscover my clothes, and wear those far more than I wear the stuff that I actually bring. This is also compounded when I hit up the local Goodwill and wind up with "new" things to play around with. So, even though I bring stuff with me, it doesn't tend to get worn, especially given that I tend to forget what I've already stashed.

Third, because I'm in University City (aside: is it sad that I can't remember if this is my usual pseudonym?) most of the time, the clothes that I like the most from Very Big City tend to wind up coming back with me when I travel. As a result, even though I tend to rediscover clothing that I like when I'm in town, the bulk of my wardrobe isn't necessarily the nicest or most flattering of clothes.

Today I decided to start doing something about my wardrobe situation. In part, it made sense since it's looking like sweetie is going to have to move at some point in the next six months, and I wanted to have less stuff here to be hauled around.

However, I also think this is a good idea given the overhaul I've been working on in my own apartment, and especially to my wardrobe. In general, I'm trying to clear out all of the clothing that doesn't fit, doesn't work with other stuff and, most importantly, doesn't leave me feeling good. I certainly have some clothes that aren't particularly flattering, but I have lots more that are just so-so - not terrible, but not all that great either. I'm trying to get rid of everything but the best, in the hopes that I'll have a cleaner, simpler closet as well as an easier time dressing in outfits that really make me feel great.

So, I now have three large bags ready to go to Goodwill (easily over another 50 items), plus another pile of things that I'm considering (which will inevitably wind up going too, since they clearly aren't so very fantastic.) The closet is much cleaner, my clothes are the ones that I really like, and I feel better overall.

Given how much of an improvement I'm feeling, both her and at home, I'm thinking I should spend some time really thinking about how I want to dress and what I'd like to have in my wardrobe. Part of my problem, I think, is that there are a number of different styles and fashions that I really like - Anthropologie is the first that comes to mind. Because I like them, I tend to pick up bits and pieces here and there that fit into the aesthetic. The issue is that these styles don't tend to look so great on me - either in general, or just to me. But, in any case, the items don't get worn, and just hand around, taking up room and giving me too many options in the morning.

I'd like to take the time to figure out what I really like, and what really works for me. I do have some general ideas as to styles and preferences - Toast and J. Crew seem to be good for me in terms of aesthetic and wearability, as do most other simple designs in good materials - but I'd like to take these ideas and figure out specifics, in the hope that I can only wind up with things in my closet that really will get worn and loved.

But, for now, I'm happy to work with what I have, take in my Goodwill donation, and enjoy the new space in my closet.

Pre-travel update: the year thus far

2008-02-18T13:16:00.000-08:00

I'm going to be travelling soon (albeit brifly) and before I go away, I decided to take a look around and to see how my New Year's theme is coming after being inspired at Living Deliberately.

I wanted some more sustainability and balance in my life, specifically in terms of:

- academic and work
- community and relationships
- health
- creativity
- home
- finances

Some of the changes have been gradual, so I'm happy to realise that I have made a good amount of progress on some of the things I wanted to work on.

- Strides have been made in prepping for teaching classes early, which is good for work and for my stress levels
- I've applied for another conference and a summer program, since I know I sometimes need motivation and goals to work towards
- A number of weeks with my sweetie are coming up - yay!
- I've taken some extra time to see friends when opportunities presented themselves - a bit extra time on campus means a lot more time with people I don't always get to see all that often
- Three words: lots of salad!
- I've signed up (and attended!) advanced swimming lessons (one class a week) and aikido (two classes a week)
- I'm also doing yoga a few times per week before bed
- Given my bad ankle, I'm also taking steps (doctors and physio) to get it better - I'm rather fond of being able to walk, and I'd like to be able to do it for a long time
- Over the last few days, I've purged over 50 things per day from my apartment - I now have sex garbage bags, plus lots of other stuff ready to go
- The bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen are also nice and clean now
- I've made a few goodwill trips, but only spent money on a birthday gift for mom
- No purchases other than food and gifts have been made...well...in recent memory, which is nice...(oh...the trip...that too, and a cookbook with a bunch of recipes I've been dying to make...crud)

So, not a lot on the creative front, other than one night's worth of drawing the last time I was in Very Big City. But, I haven't had the TV on in over three weeks now, so I've been listening to more music and reading a lot more, which at least feels a bit more creative than just watching.

For the next few weeks, I'm hoping to:

- keep improving on managing my class and getting prep done early
- finishing my dissertation proposal (finally!)
- work on some papers with an eye to publishing
- more time with friends, including planning for a potluck at my place
- one extra night of yoga a week, plus some pilates for core strength
- more greens (and reds and yellows and oranges)
- clear out a bit more, especially books and kitchen stuff
- no more unnecessary purchases - as minimal as they've been, I'd like to be able to save that little bit more

So, that's it for now. There have been slips along the way - most notably in the form of caramel filled Hershey's kisses (betcha can't eat just 10) - but I'm proud of what I've managed to get done. And now, I think I need to pick up a drawing pad and get to work on improving on my creativity that little bit more.

Social balance

2008-02-14T19:18:00.000-08:00

It has come to my attention that I live under a rock. It may be a very comfortable rock, but it's a rock nonetheless.

I think this is something else that I need to work on.

I walked out of my office today, and saw two of my friends together, holding hands and kissing.

This surprised me. It was a good surprise, but a surprise nonetheless.

I ran into a friend a few minutes later, and asked when Tall One and Cute One had gotten together.

Apparently, over a year ago.

Over. A. Year. Ago.

Oops.

Apparently something else I need to balance in my life is social time. While I certainly don't think that not knowing the latest news and/or gossip is tragic by any stretch, it might be nice to know nice things that are happening to my friends in a timely fashion. So, with that in mind, I'm going to try for a bit more hang-out time on campus and at work, and see what transpires. I'll let you know what happens.

And now, back to cleaning out under my rock a bit more. It may be a comfy rock, but it's also a very messy and cluttered one right now.

The purge continues

2008-02-14T19:13:00.000-08:00

Still no pictures - turns out that I can't find the appropriate cable to connect camera to computer in the mess that is currently my apartment. But, I have confidence that the purging and cleaning will eventually reveal its whereabouts.

In the meantime, the purge goes on. While this certainly isn't all that I've been doing lately, I'm still proud of my efforts. I cleared out the closet with shelves in my apartment. As I went, I got rid of a bag of stationary, 55 sewing patterns (yes, 55), a few pieces of fabric, a small ironing board, ten CDs, two coats and a scarf, two shoulder bags, a backpack, a binder, and a few books. Again, a small dent, but a dent nonetheless.

Sustainable blogging?

2008-02-05T21:42:00.000-08:00

So, while I've been learning, or at least trying some things to make my life more balanced and sustainable, apparently one thing I have yet to figure out is how to sustain this blog, or at least get to it more often.

I still need to post pictures of the disater that is currently my apartment.

I still need to set out some guidelines for the purge that I'm working on.

I still need to think and write through some of the other things I want to work on - health, community and relationships, work, and so on.

Oops.

However, even though I haven't been writing about these things, I have been working on some of them. So, in the interest of being at least somewhat accountable, and making sure that I note accomplishments as much as failures, here are a few things that I've done over the last week or two.

- I've gotten together a bunch of clothes to go to Goodwill, in the interest of simplifying my apartment
- I've picked up a bunch of healthy foods and have been eating yummy and good-for-me foods (well, yummy except for the apple-lettuce smoothie - yes, you read that right - which we will henceforth never speak of again)
- at work, I've at least managed to get my lectures started early in the week, even if my general perfectionism means I'm still tweaking them a half hour before class
- at home, I've cleared my desk - as well as the bookshelf with my work texts on it - so that I now have more of a workspace (there are still some lovely before pictures though, I think)
- I've signed myself up not only for another semester of aikido, but also for advanced adult swim lessons, which I'm hoping to write about soon (truly, this was a pretty great decision)
- ever night, before I go to sleep, I've started reading something non-work related - it's lovely
- I haven't turned on the TV since I got home, which has freed up lots of time for working on all of these other things (hooray - this one feels great!)

So, that's how things have been chez moi. It's been busy, but I'm feeling good about how the year has started, and am looking forward to getting more into these things as time progresses and, with any luck, talking about them more too. Perhaps that's the next thing that I should work on...

Let the purge begin!

2008-01-31T19:08:00.000-08:00

No pictures yet - my north-facing apartment has been too dark for photos, and the flash makes things look...well...awful. So, hopefully there will be sun soon, or at least enough light that I can post hugely embarassing photos of my apartment. Oh, the fun!

On the up-side, I was feeling inspired tonight and started the great purge of 2008 (somehow sounds less exciting than the great snow of '49, or something similarly weather-related.) In any case, I managed to fill my bundle-buggy (one of those folding pullable shopping carts) with clothes to go to Goodwill. It's not a huge amount, and there's sooo much left to do, but a start is a start, the journey of a thousand miles starts, and so on and so forth.

So, thus far the tally stands at: a skirt, a pair of shoes, four dressy shirts, a dress, a blazer, six t-shirts, eight sweaters, and eleven pairs of pants. Again, not a huge dent, but enough to feel like a bit of a start. More will come as I have more time, I'm sure, and somehow the process gets me excited and keeps me working, so hopefully that'll work in my favour too. Really, right now I'm just pleased as punch with myself, especially for getting rid of more pants.

My eventual hope is to get rid of some kind of a percentage of almost everything I own. I haven't set a number yet, though. I think part of the reason for this is that I don't want to pick something I can't do but, on the flip side, I also don't want to not have something to reach for. But, it's early yet, and the details can come in a bit. Right now, I'm pleased with whatever I can get ready to get out.

Now all I need to do is find a way to transport it all to the Goodwill, so it's not hanging around here forever. The bundle-buggy, while an obvious solution, is somewhat awkward on the bus, and the local drop-off has yet to open. I'm a little loathe to drop it off at the Goodwill, lest I wander inside and start undoing my good work. But, I suppose it's all lived here for awhile - it can just live here a little while longer, if need be.

Travelling

2008-01-26T20:56:00.000-08:00

No photos today - I've been in transit from Very Big City to Big City on the train today (14 hours, oh joy), and will be in transit for a few more hours tomorrow from Big City back home. Sadly, there is some work waiting for me there which really must be done prior to anything else.

(Not that anyone has likely noticed, but yes, I'm so tired right now that I can't remember any of my pseudonym names for places that I live and travel to a lot. Perhaps I'll fix that tomorrow.)

For now, I need sleep in preparation for a week heavily front-end-loaded with lots of teaching, meetings, appointments, and various other committments. I'm hoping to get scary apartment photos up soon, but if not, this is why. However, they should be up by Thursday at the latest, when I think I'm going to start clearing out my apartment, piece by piece and bit by bit. And, in the meantime, I'm hoping to give some more thought and planning to the other things I want to be working on this year. Again, this'll happen bit by bit, but I'm finding having these things not only written down, but out there too, to be rather helpful in terms of motivation.

Now, if only this motivation would extend to getting through the first chunk of this coming week...

Seven weird things

2008-01-24T20:55:00.000-08:00

Accepting the general invite at Bitter Betty Blogs, here are seven weird things about me.

Despite my usual claims to being weird, odd, strange, and generally kind of quirky, seven things was surprisingly hard to think of. I feel like not being able to think of seven weird things is in itself rather weird. Of course, more will spring to mind at three this morning...

1. I can barely stand to have my belly button touched.

2. I also hate the feel of nylons. While I hate the material and the fact that they fall down, I really hate the way they snag on any rough bits or edges. It turns my stomach just thinking about pulling them on. /shudder

3. When I sleep, I must be covered from my head to my chin. Preferably in a whole lot of blankets. Even in summer. And I must be on my stomach.

Okay, so I've made it to three, and just realised that I covered this rather in-depth here. So, some of these are doubles, but now I'm going to try for four new ones to get me up to seven. Oh, the challenge!

4. There are remarkably few movies that I can stand to watch over and over again. I have a DVD player, and a collection of a whole three DVDs (well, two of them are TV series seasons). I just have no interest in watching things over and over again.

5. I obsess over even the most basic emails to get my wording right. I can ponder a three sentence email for hours to make sure that my tone, meaning, message, and word choice are all right. All this, even though I doubt any one notices, or even cares.

6. I'm scared of heights, but whenever I'm on a high-up balcony, I entertain fantasies of climbing up on the railing and just hanging out. (It would never happen, I just can't seem to prevent myself from thinking about it.)

7. I do my best thinking in the shower, but the ideas go away soon after I'm done. Some days, I've gone running to my desk with goo still in my hair just to get at paper and a pen to write something down.

Clearing out

2008-01-23T23:32:00.000-08:00

The first thing I need to do this year, or at least the one that's on my mind the most, is clearing out my apartment. Between stuff from relatives, things I already owned, and my thrift store love, I have rather a lot of stuff. My apartment doesn't tend to get overwhelming, but it is rather full, and does tend towards surface messiness. As a result, I spend more time than I want to cleaning and even working to get rid of stuff.

My hope for clearing out a bunch of stuff is that it'll mean less time cleaning, sorting, and purging. With any luck, my apartment will stay cleaner longer, freeing up more time and energy for the other things on my list that I want to get into balance - work, health, relationships, and so on. In addition, since cleaning is one of my favourite forms of procrastination is cleaning, I'm also hoping that removes one easy sorce of work-avoidance. While it does get messy now, it really isn't all that hard to clean up. It's just difficult to keep clean over time because of all the stuff.

While I don't think I can do this all in one fell swoop, I'd like to get rid of a fair amount of stuff right off the bat this year. However, I know that with my teaching and other work responsibilities, the process will have to be somewhat slow.

But, this isn't the easiest thing in the world for me. I tend to become attached to my things, especially those with happy memories or those given to me by people that I care about. Logically, I know stuff is just stuff, but that doesn't make it all that much easier when facing down a purge.

In addition, I worry about getting rid of stuff because I might want it later. This isn't so much a simple "I might need this someday," but more a fear that I might regret getting rid of something for more complicated emotional reasons (not that I'm necessarily clear on what these reasons might be). I think that perhaps Shari at The Glass Doorknob said it best, in her 248: Thoughts on Clearing Out post.

Go take a look if you want. I'll wait.

In any case, part of the problem is that my apartment gets cleaned when people come over, so no one ever sees the mess. I'm not really accountable to anyone for it's state on a regular basis and, when I am, it's brief. So, here's the plan. When I get home (I'm away for a few more days yet) I'm going to take uncleaned photos of my apartment, and will post them here. It's entirely possible this will be hugely embarassing, but I suppose I can deal, so long as something good comes from it. As I clear out, I'll also take and post photos of how much stuff I'm getting rid of, and the end result. My hope is that with visible doumentation and hopefully people following along, I'll be even more motivated for this project as well as more able to see and track my results as I go.

Long nights and slow days

2008-01-23T20:56:00.001-08:00

My sleep schedule's off, which seems to make for slow days with not a lot of work. In turn, this makes me feel behind in my work and less motivated to sit down and do. So, I don't, and then I feel even more behind. It's a bad cycle that I hope to break tomorrow by getting at least one thing crossed off from my to-do list.

However, I don't want to get hopelessly lost in feeling like this, and so I'm thinking about what I'm grateful for today. Here are a few bits that spring quickly to mind:

- getting a bit of work done, despite feeling unwell
- a boyfriend who I love very much and who gives great hugs
- yummy Indian food
- friends with whom to eat yummy Indian food
- a flexible job where I can take a day off, even if I just need one
- a warm, comfy bed in which I'll get to snuggle in very soon to read and sleep before starting a brand new day (hopefully involving some more productivity than was on the books for toda

No matter how "meh" I feel, and how behind and badly about myself I feel, I think there are always good things that I can focus on, and that help me feel better. And for this I'm grateful too.

Lost in lists

2008-01-21T12:21:00.000-08:00

I'm a big fan of lists. I tend to keep a lot of them. I have scads of grocery lists and shopping lists. List of books I want to read and music I want to listen to. I keep to-do lists, should-do lists, and want-to-do lists. But these lasts lists are getting a bit overwhelming. There's a lot on them, even just in terms of things that need to be done, and as more gets added, I get more and more antsy, to the point where even less gets done, and I stress out even more. It's really a rather viscious cycle. And so, right now, I think I need a list of things that I have acomplished, to show me that all that I need to do is possible, and that some of it is even done already. And so, since the start of January, I have:

- survived my first class as an instructor
- finished the methodology draft for my dissertation proposal
- finished the timeline draft for my dissertation proposal
- finished the first set of revisions for my dissertation proposal (why yes, the propsal is my Big Thing right now - why do you ask?)
- started writing lecture notes for my first real lectures
- started a teaching dossier for a tenure-track position that I may or may not apply to soon (tba)
- started near-daily yoga and strengthening exercises

There's still a lot to be done - get together references and a cover letter, more revisions and changes, and ethics review that needs to be done, plus a whole slew of lectures. But it's good to see that things are somehow getting done. The usually do, eventually, but a concrete list is always a nice thing to have, especially in this case.

New Year's theme

2008-01-21T10:01:00.000-08:00

Given the general craziness of the last few years (long story...perhaps for another time), I've been liking the idea of having a theme for the year, both to follow and to inspire me. I've spent a lot of time thinking about my interests for the last few months, and especially the ones that are growing a lot. I've also been pondering what I need, and where I have issues in my life that need to be addressed. And, after a bunch of pondering over deep cups of tea, I think I finally have a theme for 2008.

Balance and sustainability.

(Okay - so maybe that's kind of two themes.)

The first thing that got me thinking about sustainability was environmental issues. I started thinking and reading more and more about what's going on in the world, and what can be done at the local level. I found myself inspired by Patrick and Holly of Hen Waller and Jim and Peggy of earth home garden . I got to thinking about ideas of self-sufficiency, and living out off the grid as much as possible - making do, crafting, growing food, and all manner of other activities.

Then, I got into thinking about sustainability in more general terms. Although I was familiar with all of it's concepts, The Story of Stuff hit me pretty hard. I've always been interested in things that were older, durable, well-designed, and made to stand the test of time. I began to consider how to further surround myself with things that would last, or had already lasted for a long time. Things that would get more comfortable or worn in over time, that would eventually show their age, that would hold up and wouldn't need to be replaced anytime soon, and that would be useful and beautiful because of all of these qualities.

A bit later, it also struck me that sustainability was something that I needed more of in my life, in even more general and personal ways. I needed to find some kind of balance that I could then make sustainable, over time. There are so many things that I have going on and, even more that I'm interested in that I really should think about how to keep everything that I do sustainable for the long run. As it stands, I currently do just about everything in fits and starts and in cycles where one thing tends to get focused on while others get pushed aside.

In general, I want to create the life that I want and make it sustainable for me as well as for the world around me. I need to find a way to balance all of the different areas of my life - academic and work, community and relationships, health, creativity, home, finances - and get myself to a place where they remain balanced and equal priorities. While I do this, I also want to make sure that they have as little negative effect, and as much positive effect on the world as possible. I know this won't always be possible, but I certainly think I can get this better than I have it now. Even better, I also see ways that managing one area will help to make the others easier to maintain as well. I'm looking forward to thinking out and exploring the links between these areas as I go.

Inconspicuous consumption

2008-01-20T23:26:00.000-08:00

I don't buy a lot. In part, this is because I can't afford to, at least not on a grad student budget. Mostly, though, this is because I don't like buying into capitalist consumption all that much, and I'm generally trying to buy as little as possible. But, that doesn't mean that I don't still look and get inspired by things that I see.

Rather than keep these things to myself, I thought I'd share the wealth.

These Asa Westlund shoes:

Cabled knee-high socks from Toast:

This print of Oceans Don't Freeze by Jen Corace:

New Year, New Posts

2008-01-20T21:54:00.000-08:00

I've been a bit slow posting in the new year for a few reasons.

First, which I'm not generally one for new year's resolutions, I do like to think of a "theme" for myself for the year. Rather than rushing into one this year (and then failing miserably), I took some time to think about what I want from this year (which I'll porbably get into in a later post.)

Second, I've been busy. A few different circumstances have gotten me a bit behind in some of my work, and I've been trying to catch up. Also, I wasn't anticipating all of the administrivia that comes with my new lecturer position at the University. It's been taking up a fair amount of time, and is really boring to write about. But, I think things are more or less in place now, and I'm good to (finally!) get myself back on track.

Finally, I've been away from home almost since the New Year, and was away from home even before that as well. I'm not so good at staying on routine when away from home, let alone implementing new plans, and so not a lot has been done on any sort of New Year's theme as of yet. But, I'm getting there, even while away, and hope to getting down to write about it soon.

Bringing you deep, though-provoking content

2007-12-31T17:28:00.000-08:00

You are Barefoot!

You're a total free spirit, go with the flow girl
You can't be restricted by shoes for very long
And unsuprisingly, the same goes for men
Your match is out there - and he's as carefree as you are

What Kind Of Women's Shoe Are You?

Just F.Y.I.

2007-12-16T11:58:00.000-08:00

Just because you've discovered a much-enjoyed martial art again, and did it a few years ago, does not mean you should launch yourself into it full-throttle again because you're horribly obsessive and/or enthusiastic. You might wind up with, say, bruises in places you didn't know it was possible to bruise, interesting wrist pains, and the complete inability to get out of bed.

While it might be fun, restraint is a good thing.

And, in case it isn't clear, this lesson is one I still have to learn - owie!

The last post

2007-11-30T19:18:00.000-08:00

Well, of NaBloPoMo, anyway.

It's been a long and busy month and I've by no means managed to post every day. But I gave it a shot, posted more than I normally would, and that pleases me.

In all of this, I think I've learned that it's often difficult for me to find something to write about on a daily basis. I don't know what the reason for this is - privacy? boring life? too much other stuff going on? who knows? - but it's made it difficult not only to write things, but also to shove stuff out into the world of cyberspace that I think is at least not too me-centric, if not somehow worthwhile of being read.

And so, I'm going to keep posting. And I'm going to keep wrestling about what I want to do here, and how I can make this more interesting for me, and hopefully for other people too. I have visions of a better design. More photos. A wider variety of topics (preferably some arising from me having more things to talk about simply because I'm doing more.) And hopefully this space will evolve as I go. I suppose it's come a ways already, and it's just hard for me to see, given all the time that's passed. But I have high hopes that as I keep going, it'll turn more and more into the vision I have in my head, as amorphous and undefined as that might be right now. But it's been an interesting road, and I look forward to seeing what comes next.

A fine line

2007-11-29T18:48:00.000-08:00

There are lots of fine lines in my world. Today, I dicovered a new one.

Today, I have learned that there is a fine line between enthusiasm and stupidity. It is enthusiatic to want to bike to and from campus the day after an hour long walk and an hour and a half of aikido. Apparently, it is stupid to actually attempt it, though.

This distinction is based on the fact that I was so tired on campus that I was forced to walk my bike home, and am now almost incapable of moving. My plans for tonight? No movement, except for maybe to the tub for an epsom salt bath. Despite the pain, it actually sounds rather lovely.

I did it!

2007-11-29T08:30:00.000-08:00

No...not posted everyday. It's probably pretty obvious by now that I fell off that particular bandwagon when things started getting crazy. But, given how much I have posted after all, I'm happy with the results of NaBloPoMo.

However, out of the post I wrote a little while ago, I managed to in touch with the campus aikido people, and went to my first club meeting last night. I'm feeling it today (those poor shoulders!), but it feels so good to get back to it, and to actually be using my body for something other than sitting and writing. Plus, everyone was really nice and friendly.

I'm rather pleased at how easily a fairly large portion of what I already knew came back to me, especially in terms of falling and rolling. To be fair, part of this pleasure is derived from the fact that remembering all of this is likely to save me from a variety of the injuries that tend to come from repeatedly being thrown to the ground. I walked into the class, fully expecting to do a bloody face plant at some point during the evening but, happily, that wasnt to be, and I got to walk out almost as intact as I walked in.

There are only two more classes this semester, but I imagine I'll be keeping this up when they start back again at the beginning of next semester, and possibly adding in some adult swim lessons too to keep me moving and out of the apartment a bit more than I have been. Hello, healthier lifestyle...

Happy Thanksgiving!

2007-11-22T19:00:00.001-08:00

While I'm not American and actually celebrated Thanksgiving in October, I hope everyone celebrating today has a lovely day, and plenty of things to be thankful for in their lives.

I'm tired...

2007-11-19T12:57:00.000-08:00

...which apparently has made this ranking thing make me feel way happier than it should.

Get a Cash Advance

In recent news...

2007-11-18T05:53:00.000-08:00

I'm happy to report that I got into Really Big City (RBC) only an hour behind schedule, and have been laying low here ever since. And, really, by laying low I mean running around, eating yummy food, seeing new friends, and generally enjoying myself after a month of crazy work.

There's still work to do, but I felt like I pretty much arrived and, minus the immediate stressed of home, collapsed into a little puddle of needs-a-break, and therefore responded to my body's (admittedly overt) signals in the best way I knew how.

So, now that I'm caught back up on my need to do things like lie on the couch, watch TV, and wander aimlessly through parks doggie-watching, what's the plan of attack for this week? Happily, I finished off a whole bunch of work before packing myself up and loading myself onto the plane, which leaves me with only a few things to work on at the moment.

- edit the parts of my dissertation proposal that are already drafted
- send those aforementioned bits of my proposal to my supervisor for leisurely reading on his end
- create a draft of the methodology for the same proposal, which is obviously taking up an obscene amount of thought and energy right now
- prep some syllabus readings for next year
- make up for the few blog posts that I left out due to travel and other engagements for NaBloPoMo
- have a lovely Thanksgiving with the not-yet-family-but-close-enough
- see some more friends
- eat some of the food groups that I have yet to get my hot little hands on, specifically Mexican, Thai, and the good sushi place
- take an afternoon to wander some more parks in the sun and the cold, rather like the first time that I came to visit

While there's certainly some work that needs to be done, nothing on that list is all that painful and that last four aren't even work at all, which is probably the most lovely way to set up a to-do list. While this visit isn't entirely a vacation, it does feel like a nice break, at the very least, and I'm going to enjoy it as much as I possibly can. In the meantime, I hope everyone else is having as nice a weekend as I am.

First to fall

2007-11-13T21:31:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm just too busy to post. Between class, meetings, packing, and catching a flight tomorrow, I just don't have the time or the energy to do a post, and it's possible that tomorrow will be a wash. But, I've posted more in the last few days than I have in ages, and that's something that I can live with.

An easy out after a crazy day

2007-11-12T20:09:00.001-08:00

Never was a story of more woe
Than this of Juliet, and her Dailyethnography.

Which work of Shakespeare was the original quote from?

Oh, the excitement!

2007-11-11T15:59:00.000-08:00

Given yesterday's rather dour post, and the onset of weather that has prevented me from running yet again, I decided to kill the getting out of the house bird and the fitness bird in one fell swoop, and started looking for campus clubs that do activities and somesuch.

Now, many years ago, in a land far, far away, yours truly did some training in the modern but quite interesting martial art of aikido. Not enough to be good, mind you, just good enough to not dislocate her shoulder every time she did a faceplant-avoiding front roll when someone managed to throw her properly.

For awhile, I looked for a new dojo in my university town, but the only ones around that I found are in a different style of aikido than I'm used to, and one that's militaristic and not really my cup of tea (really, I like a lot of explanation and hand-holding, especially when trusting people to throw me headfirst towards the floor). However, it turns out there is an aikido club on campus. Now, I don't know what they're style is, but it's incredibly cheap, and could be just the thing I'm looking for to get me out of the apartment a bit more, and to help me maintain some semblance of fitness through the winter.

Happily, if campus aikido falls through, there's also karate, tae kwon do, jiu jitsu, kendo and a variety of other hybrid approaches that I could get into (by the way, I'm not toally wedded to the martial arts thing, it's just that they make up most of the offerings and, admittedly, I also have the uniform already, so no big outputs of cash for gear necessarily.) But, any way you slice it, I'm happy to have at least the bginnings of a plan in place to get me through the winter just a bit more easily.

Day 10 Revelations

2007-11-10T22:04:00.000-08:00

My life is boring.

That's pretty much the only conclusion I can draw, especially based on the last few days of posts, and the fact that I am offically out of things to write. (Although, to be fair, perhaps going from monthly posting to daily was not the best way to ease back into this blogging thing.)

Life's busy right now. I spend most of my time locked down to my desk working on some form of grad work, be it TAing, funding or scholarship applications, syallabi, or my slow-coming dissertation proposal. Sometimes I break the monotony by going for a run, or doing some yoga. Or, in the case of this week, getting a ready made lasagna.

I don't go out. I don't knit, I don't sew. I don't often see friends, in part because most of them are in the same situation as I am right now. It's an exciting weekend if there's a movie that I like on the TV.

So, it seems to me that despite all the work that I have to do, I need to do at least something that goes a little beyond my desk and my yoga mat. Happily, I'm taking off for a little trip on Wednesday, which is at least something, and maybe out of that will come a bit more excitement, a bit more activity and, with any luck, a bit more to write about.

Finished Object

2007-11-09T16:39:00.000-08:00

It's rare that I get to show off finished objects, possibly because it's so rare that I actually finish them. Big ones almost never get done, but even little ones take me forever to do.

But, this little guy did get finished, probably because I love knitting them, and was a present last year for my sweetie, who's a programmer - he likes that it looks rather like the Linux penguin.

Happily, he finished up quickly, especially since I knit him out of lamb's pride wool on smaller-than-recommended 4.5mm needles from the Pasha pattern on Knitty. The colours are a bit muddy, but I rather like them that way. In addition, his head looks really big compared to his body here, but that's an effect of the angle of the picture, and not the stuffy itself.

Thursday love

2007-11-08T16:23:00.000-08:00

I love Thursdays. I suppose it's not the most unusal day to love, being that it's both close to the weekend, and that it's not Monday. But it's probably not the most usual either.

Mondays I work from home, then Tuesday I'm on campus late for office hours and class, followed by frantic preparation that night and the next morning for Wednesday afternoon's tutorial. It's certainly not horrible by anyone's standards, but things tend to get pushed aside for those days, and in addition to more working from home, Thursdays afford me a bit of time to clean and straighten things up, and to cook some more of those bulk meals (with copious amounts of leftovers!) that I eat through the end of the week and the weekend.

Also, Thursday night is one of the best night's for TV in my world. Despite the fact that I work and teach in communications, I don't have cable (feel free to gasp if you need to - my friends and colleagues do on a regular basis when I mention that little fact.) But, Thursday night offers me not only my regular Law and Order fare, but also Ugly Betty and new Scrubs episodes.

So, after a day of working (well, usually - sometimes the work bit is purely theoretical, as it was today, since I spent four solid days grading exams at the end of last week and the beginning of this, and just needed a bit of time to not think) it's nice to make a good dinner, curl up under a duvet (since, baby, it's cold inside!), and relax and watch some TV and have a bit of online time with my sweetie. Which is, I think, what I'll get back to now, in preparation for work tomorrow, and through the weekend.

Message for the boy on the bus

2007-11-07T15:50:00.001-08:00

I know how much cooler you look when your hands are in your pockets. Really, it just adds to the whole look, especially when they're stuffed into the pockets in something the resembles a fur-lined embossed hefty bag. However, I think you'd maintain a bit more of your coolness if you took your hands out of your pockets to steady yourself when the bus took a corner, rather than stubling and banging both shoulders and your head into the poles because you were too cool to take them out.

Just somethin' to think about.

Work, work, work

2007-11-06T13:02:00.000-08:00

It's been another day of work over here. Grading got finished off, but even after that was done, I spent a significant chink of the afternoon plugging away at my dissertation proposal.

This proposal's been giving me grief for a few reasons. First, a lot of my literature review and theoretical frameworks were overlapping, which made the whole thing feel super-redundant, and therefore neither useful nor good. In addition, I do research that is different from a lot of my department in that I deal with people - I survey them, interact with them, watch them, talk to them, and ask for their thoughts and experiences and stories. Setting up a methodology without a lot of guidance, especially in terms of a lot of the nitty gritty detail stuff is intimidating me quite a bit.

Finally, the biggest issue is that that the whole thing just feels so...well...big. There needs to be a lot in there, and there's a lot that could and should go in there, as well as a lot that I want to get in there. Just sorting it all out in my head and then on the page is proving to be difficult, especially since everything works together in multiple ways, could be organized in multiple sequences, and just generally presents an awful lot of options to deal with at once.

Now, none of this is insurmountable, and it'll all get done eventually, but I'm finding the work process to be especially painful. Every time I do this, I have a few hours of frustration with little writing, and then little breakthroughs that let me get a bit of writing down. I'm grateful for these periods of productivity, but they just feel so few and far between when I'm sitting down to it. And all the frustration in between? It doesn't leave me feeling all that confident or productive,

I can see the possibilities in my topic, and I think there are some really great ideas in there that I'm looking forward to investigating further? But getting to the point where I can actually do some work? That's going to take...well...some work.

And now, back to it...

Baby, It's Cold Inside!

2007-11-05T15:25:00.000-08:00

To go with the end of daylight savings time, apparently we've also been subjected to a significant drop in temperature. We've now officially gone below zero (celsius, for anyone who shivered just reading that) in this neck of the woods, and I can feel it, even though I haven't been outside yet today.

Part of the problem is that my apartment isn't all that well insulated, especially given the large bank of windows against one wall, and the fact that there are two outside doors, neither of which is sealed well at all. While it never gets unbearable in the cold months, it does tend to stay at a relatively low temperature. And, while there are two heaters for which I can turn on the fans, they're right in front of the windows, and don't even come close to heating. It's very rare that I even turn them on.

I deal with the cold here using every tactic I can think of (many of them taken from environmental action web sites.) I wear socks inside almost all of the time (and I'm a bare feet kinda girl, as much as possible.) I have an electric blanket that I use when it gets really cold, and the rest of the time I sleep under two down duvets and two quits (sometimes with socks on then too.) I shut the door when I shower to keep in the heat, and get dressed in the bathroom to avoid getting too cold.

I was considering joining Crunchy Chicken's Freeze Yer Buns challenge, but it felt a bit like I'd be cheating, since I never bother to turn on the heat anyway. But, challenge or not, I'm happy to live my chilly little life up here, and do what I can to keep myself warm until the spring starts to come.

Productive weekend

2007-11-04T16:15:00.000-08:00

I have to admit that I love a good, relaxing weekend as much as the next person - sleeping in late (hopefully after staying up late to read old Nancy Drew books in a hot bath), involved cooking and baking of yummy things, afternoon movies that evolve into afternoon naps.

However, in times where I have a lot on my plate, I actually find productive weekends to be much more useful in the long run. While I could have gotten by without working this weekend, doing so meant that I'll have a bit less to do over the course of this week, which is probably better and less stressful for all concerned. It also meant that I wasn't ruining my relaxation time worrying about all of the things that I wasn't doing while I was "relaxing."

I'm still not inclined to go all-out on the weekend to get work done, but I managed to get over half of the exam that I need to grade all done and out of the way. Happily, the average is right where it should be, so hopefully I won't have to do much more than actually grade the remaining ones. I also worked a little bit on my slow-coming dissertation proposal. There's still rather a lot to do there, but at least it's coming, and I have a sense of where it's going, and how to approach the rest of the work on it. All in all, not to shabby for a weekend.

Thankfully, the rest of my weeend "work" wasn't as much of a trial as grading and writing. I straightened and aired out my apartment bit (so much nicer to work in now), and cooked some simple but yummy food for tonight and the next few days. And, now that that's all done, after I change the sheets on the bed I plan to take the rest of the evening off to actually relax a little bit, quite possibly in a tub full of hot water and bubbles.

I hope evryone else had a relaxing, or at least a productive weekend!

Return to Normalcy, Part the Second

2007-11-03T23:32:00.000-07:00

After a few weeks of dealing with the mould in the apartment, and then a few more weeks of embracing my newfound ability to get rid of stuff and amassing large bags of things to be dropped off at the local thrift store, I simply ran into a few weeks of one little-but-still-annoying-and-distracting thing after another.

First I got sick, and spent a few days in bed recovering from a body flu - from the mould or the stress of dealing with the mould, I really don't know. Then, I hurt my back, and spent a few more days lying down in bed while it fixed itself. Shortly thereafter, my account with the online game that I play for research (okay...and fun) was hacked, which sent me into a week of alternately dealing with the game reps and frantically searching my computer for all manner of virus and trojan horse nasties (which, thankfully, came up negative.) Finally, after all of this, my computer required yet another trip to the repair shop to replace its trackpad. And then, really finally, while it was in the shop I learned that there were issues with a scholarship application that I submitted that needed dealing with (through a computer, of course.)

I waited over a week for my computer - much longer than they originally told me that the repair would take - and they wouldn't let me have it back in the meantime. I dealt with scholarship issues by throwing money at them rather rapidly, and they got resolved, although for awhile, whether everything was going to come out okay was uncertain. My game account was restored, although I never got any details on what exactly happened. And, everything was just about back to normal.

Thankfully, I had a lovely visit from my sweetie in there, as well as a car on loan from my folks, and we had two weeks of eating sushi and thai, dropping off my Goodwill donations, and stocking up on groceries and all manner of fun things (why yes, I do lead a very exciting life - why do you ask?) And, since he's gone home, I've taken the time to get back into a work-regular exercise-healthy eating groove that's kept me stable enough to get some real work done. And I suppose that's where I am now - lots of work left to do, but finally in a place where I feel like I can do it after the quasi-craziness of the last two months.

(Please note that I didn't say that I necessarily want to do any of the work, just that I can - exercise and healthy eating do not make the student work comprising the Mount Grade-More sitting on my dining table any more appealing to tackle, but tackle it I will.)

Return to Normalcy, Part One

2007-11-02T20:15:00.000-07:00

Or, I suppose it's really more of a return to what passes for normalcy in my world.

I came back from vacation rested and well-fed and looking forward to settling back into my little apartment and really getting started into a routine of eating well, working out, and getting lots of work done on my dissertation. My folks, who had never visited my place before, decided to drive me back and stay the night at a nice hotel, since the day of returning was also their thirtieth wedding anniversary. After a not-too-early morning drive, we arrived at my place, and the first thing I thought after stepping in the door was, "what on earth is that smell?"

It turns out that, "what on earth is that smell?" is not a question that tends to bode well for the following weeks, especially when it is strong and clearly deeply bound up with the place that you live.

I didn't notice much other than the smell until a bit later, and wrote it off as a particularly bad case of mustiness after being closed up for two months in the summer. But then, in preparation for heading out for lunch, I went to the bedroom to pull on a skirt and some nice shoes. I opened the closet, looked in, and wondered why all my shoes looked...different.

It turns out that all of my shoes looked different because they were eaten through with mould. It also turns out that nice shoes made of nice materials also get eating all the faster and better because of it. To add to the fun, the carpet was also damp and thick with the slippery black stuff.

(The closet, after they took out the carpet and tore through the wall - yes, this really was the after shot.)

The rest of the day was spent throwing out bag after bag of shoes and bedding and baskets and clothing, and dealing with the super. That night was spent sharing my folks' hotel room. You remember? The nice one? The one they got for their anniversary?

Yeah. It was fun times. And totally not completely awkward at all.

For the next two weeks, I slept on my living room floor, out of the bedroom where all of the toxic mould was growing. I went to bed early and got up early because I never knew when workmen were going to show up, and I didn't feel like being walked in on while I was still in the shower. For the first few days, every time I left my apartment and came back there was a new hole in one or another of my walls. A few days in, I found more mould and soggy drywall in the kitchen. A week in, I found more mould in the work area that used to be a dining room. Although I was home a lot, I really didn't get much done between the need for lots of sleep, the constant disruptions to my life and schedule, and the need to be here to explain to the workmen that filling only half of the holes really wasn't going to work for me.

(The hole in my kitchen wall - one of five large holes in my apartment.)

Now, this all sounds rather dreadful, and it wasn't what I'd call a lot of fun, but it's actually reasonably funny now that it's all taken care of, and I no longer have headaches from the cleaner and adhesive fumes from the repairs. Everything is almost back to loveliness here (although, to be fair, it's now almost two months later.) But, it did prompt me to clean up a lot, and also to clean out, too. When I realised how much stuff I had, and how easy it was to get rid of without missing it, I pulled together eight large garbage bags and three boxes of to donate to the local thrift store, in addition to the more than eight bags of mould-ruined stuff and six bags of donations that went out that day. This is something I've been meaning to do for awhile, and although this probably isn't the ideal way to go about it, the mess really helped me to get a bunch of things taken care of, which is a pretty good feeling.

NaBloPoMo

2007-11-01T15:30:00.000-07:00

Or, yet another thing to do in November.

I like the idea of NaBloPoMo. I like the idea of posting everyday, and I certainly appreciate the push to do so, given how sporadic (at best) my blogging tends to be. But this month is to be the Month of the Big Push. I've done a lot of work in the last few weeks, but I still have a lot of things left to do, which may not lend my time to daily blogging.

But, at the same time, I certainly have things to talk about - stories to tell from the last few months, the things I've been thinking, work stuff, fun stuff, cleaning stuff, play stuff - really, lots of stuff. And so, while I may not exactly make the "daily" part of Daily Ethnography true, I'm going to give posting again a go, and see how it turns out.

Part of my trouble with this blog, I think, is that I have two many interests, and somehow the freedom to write about all of them in one place is overwhelming. It feels rather like writing about everything that I could possibly write about would produce a big, garbled mess were it all introduced within the confines of this one little space. But I suppose there's no way to know until I try, and I'm never going to post regularly at all if I keep holding back because of this. And so, here goes nothing...

Return to the land of internet access

2007-08-12T08:06:00.000-07:00

After having significantly less internet access than originally anticipated while away, I'm back in the land of DSL connections and wireless networks. I certianly miss the relaxation of the cottage, but not the feeling of being in someone else's space and being somewhat unwillingly disconnected from the rest of the world.

Some of the highlights of vacation:

- my sweetie arriving at the airport

- getting pounced on for a good 15 minutes every morning by Annie, dad's cousin's dalmation, while we were staying at his place

- discovering that the rather ancient and slow computer we were attempting to use was running Windows Professionelle, requiring me to press my questionable french into service in the name of getting high speed up and running (which we didn't, but not as a result of my lack of quality french)

- encountering a deer on the road while driving back to the hotel one night

- so much good, local food from the farmer's market and the couple of tomato plants at the cottage:

- lots of low-key, hangout time here:

- visiting old haunts for what may well be the last time:

(The marina just down the road.)

(The lock down the river.)

(The monuments we always called "the shapes park" - such a great place for hide and go seek, and this photo only required a bit of trespassing to take.)

Summer (non-?) break

2007-07-19T09:12:00.000-07:00

Despite the fact that this is supposed to be a bit of a break for me, after all of the work of the last goodness-knows-how-many months, I actually seem to be getting some things done. Not a huge number, mind you, but enough that I feel fairly proud of myself.

After a fit of inspiration yesterday, I finally got the draft of a report done for my summer research assistantship done and sent off to my supervisor. I'm not entirely happy with it, and am waiting for his comments, but a draft is a draft and I'm pleased with myself for sitting down and working through the problem areas of it to get it done.

I've also kicked up my fitness a bit (although, to be fair, that means going from doig virtually nothing to something.) I started out the summer running a fair deal, especially after I got orthotics to protect my ankle and was actually allowed to run again, but dropped off for over a month around comps. Despite the heat these days, I've run twice this week. It certainly helps that I've been able to run with a nice view of the river that also happens to be a bit cooler than other parts of Big City, and I feel good about getting back into shape, even if just a little.

(This is not my photo, since camera batteries need a recharge, but this is where I run.)

And, even better, Sweetie and I are headed out this afternoon to pick up a bike that I'm borrowing from his sister so I can ride over the summer, which I enjoy and is somewhat gentler on the damamged parts of me.

As for the rest of the summer, I'm off to the cottage with my folks next week, and Sweetie will be joining us just a week after that for a family reunion. There's more work to be done in terms of research and paper revisions and the truly terrifying prospect of writing a proposal for my dissertation, but one project out of the way gives me hope that the others will come together too, while still giving me some time to enjoy myself.

Hot time, summer in the city

2007-07-07T07:39:00.000-07:00

After 15 or so hours on the train, I've arrived in Big City safe and sound. The trip was good, if a bit long, and I'm happy to be here and to be settling in a bit. Hopefully soon there will be a bit of routine of sorts, too - some exercise (since I very desperately need it), some groceries, some hanging out, and some weekend trips involving a few not-too-touristy destinations.

Sadly, it won't all be fun and games. I have some RA work I want to do, and a few papers that I want to get in shape (or even to write in the first place!) for publication. I also have a dissertation proposal to get to get started on and, for that matter, as dissertation to think about writing (eep!). However, I have every intention of taking as much downtime as I can and enjoying this visit as much as possible. I have knitting and novels and all manner of other pleasant things that I just haven't seemed to have had any time for over the last while as I've fought to get all this work done. And, most importantly, my sweetie is here, and we're going to have a good long visit together. He's even managed to arrange to spend a lot more time working from home, and I'm looking forward to just hanging out while we both work.

For now, I think perhaps I'll head out for some groceries and maybe a bit of a walk. There may be more exciting things to report later, and photos to share, but for now I'm happy for a low-key lack of news.

Great quote

2007-06-27T08:06:00.000-07:00

From a friend, after seeing my apartment for the first time.

"So...do you go shopping with a time machine or something?"

"It's time, time, time that you love"

2007-06-24T08:35:00.000-07:00

(Title borrowed from the wonderful Mr. Tom Waits.)

Now that comps are done, I actually have some time, which feels like a new and lovely thing after all these many months of doing little but reading and exam prep. There is still work to be done, and more projects to get started on, but nothing feels as overwhelming and oppressive and monolithic as comps did. I'm looking forward to smaller projects and a choice of what I work on every day. Perhaps there will even be a little break in there as well to just kick back, take it easy, and read all those novels I've been holding onto. Perhaps there will even be regular blog posts, with photos.

Oh, isn't it exciting!

I feel as though I'm just now getting back into some kind of a groove. The first day post-comps was spent in bed, watching TV, which I actually enjoyed less than I thought that I would. So, now I'm trying to do more enjoyable things, and really try to figure out what's going to make me feel good and more like myself again. In the days since, there's been a lot of apartment stuff done in terms of cleaning and purging and really just making everything lovely. There's also been a small amount of sewing and a large amount of plotting new projects that I'd like to work on over the summer. I've been cooking again, and eating healthy food, and listening to lots of music - Tom Waits, Emmylou Harris, Rosanne Cash, John Hiatt. Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, and it's been so wonderful to really be able to listen and appreciate again.

And soon (very soon, I hope!), I'll be heading out to Big City to see my sweetie (who, sweet as he is, may need a less saccharine pseudonym) and to enjoy a bit of downtime.

After which we will both be heading off to the soon-to-be-sold (so sad!) family cottage for a possible family reunion and a bit of relaxation on the river.

I am so ready for a bit of a break, or at least a chance to get away, that it almost hurts, and this is going to be a fantastic summer. I hope you're looking forward to or enjoying yours as much as I am.

Not-so-recent thrift finds

2007-06-24T07:00:00.000-07:00

I've been hanging onto these for awhile now, but haven't had much of a chance to play with photos or post them here. But, here are a few older but favourite selections from the local thrift store.

Four lovely silver rimmed something-or-others that I'm using as coasters to replace the two and half sets of yucky old ones that I didn't really like so much and are now on their way to Goodwill (it's like trading...)

A china cup and (large) saucer set, with a small place to set the cup so it won't slide around. So wonderful for tea and cookies in the afternoon.

And finally this nifty little odd-shaped leather case, which holds...

Three small metal shot glasses. I think the case and the glasses together are fabulous, and I like to imagine them being taken on a camping expedition or somesuch. (The bowl in the back was also thrifted, and is intended for mom.)

I haven't really felt the desire to go thrifting all that much recently, since right now it feels a lot better to just hang around and get my over-full apartment in better shape than it has been. In part, this shaping up has involved getting rid of a lot of stuff, and I don't want to use that as an excuse to just keep bringing more stuff in, especially since I have some specific reasons why I'm decluttering above and beyond the fact that the sheer amount of stuff is quite possibly driving me mad (or, at least more mad than I already was.) I'm sure there will be more in the future, but for now I'm focusing on the stuff that I already have and enjoying that.

Of course, it's also easier to not thrift so much when your mother has suddenly started buying you lovely vintage things on a regular basis. Right now the tally seems to be at somewhere around 15 pieces of pyrex, two tableclothes, an apron, and a plaid thermos, but that's probably another post for another time, both because of the quasi-story behind it, and the fact that the loot hasn't made its way to my place yet, and so I have no pictures. But thanks, mom!

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

2007-06-24T06:02:00.000-07:00

I suck at code. Even the automated blogger stuff trips me up (which is why I have "Daily Ethnography" twice at the top of this page, which annoys me no end.)

I'm trying to make some changes around here, and really make this blog more my own, more the way I want it.

Thus far, all I've managed to pull off is adding links to some of my favourite the side, and even that took a lot more swearing than I'd care to admit.

Does anyone out there happen to know of a good online guide to make blogger work for those of us who are not so competent with the code? I suppose it could just be that I need some more practice, but helpful info would be very much appreciated, if you have any to share.

ABD

2007-06-19T20:00:00.000-07:00

Well, after a long week of writing and an oral defense of my essays this morning, I'm now officially considered to be All But Dissertation (ABD). After months and months of dealing with this, I don't feel like it's really sunk in that it's all over yet, but I'm rather looking forward to when it does.

I'd like to say that I'm really enjoying it, and I kind of am, but mostly right now I'm very, very tired. This has been a long time coming, and it feels like the weight of the last year has all come down on me at once. I had high hopes for doing something really enjoyable, without the worries of comps over my head, but right now it's looking like the most enjoyable thing in the world is going to be curling up in bed and sleeping.

So that's what I shall do.

Comps, The End of Part One

2007-06-15T19:45:00.000-07:00

By the end of yesterday I had one paper all but finished, and the other in a complete draft. I woke up this morning at 4:45 (no alarm, other than stress), edited the last one, made a few changes, read them both over, had sweetie read both of them, and had them submitted at 2 this afternoon.

I'm done the writing. I still have to defend the written potion next week, but this bit is done, and I feel okay about it.

It was a hard week - not a lot of sleep, lots of stress, and way too much in the way of Chinese leftovers. There were moments of panic as well as moments of, "wow - look at all the stuff I know." But right now all I feel is relief and...well...tired. So it's off to bed I go.

Comps, Day 3

2007-06-14T03:24:00.000-07:00

Super-early wake-up (not by choice), 11 hours of work, three mugs of green tea, one hard-boiled egg, two apples, two servings of leftover Chinese (apparently I ordered more than I though), I bag of cheddar crispy minis, a very sore back, and a good paper-related conversation with my sweetie.

And apparently I'm depending on food an awful lot.

Word count, essay one: 5045
Word count, essay two: 4057

Total word count: 9102

Happily, essay two is now a full, complete draft. It needs a few good edits, but that's a load off my mind that actually allowed me to sleep relatively well last night for the first time in days.

Comps, Day 2

2007-06-12T18:29:00.000-07:00

One seven a.m. wake up, 13 hours of work, two pots of green tea, one hardboiled egg, too much cheese, one bag crispy minis, two servings leftover Chinese, one twix bar, one hot shower, still no self-inflicted injuries, and one very exhausted girl.

Word count, essay one: 3795
Word count, essay two: 4565

Total word count: 8360

Comps, Day 1

2007-06-11T19:00:00.000-07:00

11 hours of work, one pot of tea, one coke, one V8, one order of Chinese, no self-inflicted wounds, one sleepy girl.

Word count, essay one: 3280
Word count, essay two: 1355

Total word count: 4635

It's not easy being green, Part 1

2007-06-06T07:12:00.000-07:00

I have some lovely kerosene lamps - a tiny little one from my Grandmother's, and a bigger silver one that I thrifted. I like them very much and so, in order to create a romantic mood one even, I bought some kerosene for them to use in place of candles.

Well, the romance lasted for about 3 seconds before I realised that kerosene reeks. It reeks especially badly when used inside. So, I emptied the lamps, washed them out, and resolved to get ostensibly less offensive lamp oil (which I kind of slacked on, and never did.)

So, now I have a bottle of kerosene kicking around that I can't use. I'm also in the midst of spring cleaning and very, very much want to get rid of this bottle of kerosene somehow. But, after checking around for the local toxic waste depot, found that it's 5 km out of town (after going many more than 5 km just to get to the edge of town), only open for limited hours on Saturday, and not at all accessible by bus.

Now I, being somewhat environmentally friends (well, and student-issue poor) don't have a car. I therefore have no way to get to the depot to drop off this now-much-despised bottle of kerosene, and now officially have no idea what to do with it. I suppose I could keep it around, but it would depress me to do so. My only other option seems to be to find another way to get down there (not going to happen any time soon), find someone to take it for me (very few of my friends have vehicles), or set it outside and hope someone takes it and uses it (rather than just tossing it in the garbage.)

Sadly, no option really seems all that great, which is probably why I've resisted buying the lamp oil - I don't want to get stuck with something else that doesn't work so well and then having to dispose of it, especially if it's considered to be hazardous waste. Yet another reason to consider what I'm buying and bringing home with me.

Long time, no post

2007-06-01T08:16:00.000-07:00

It's been ages, again, since my last post. There have been months of studying, and in just over a week now I start writing my comprehensive exam. As such, there really hasn't been much to tell here - little exciting things, little news, really very little done at all, other than long hours of reading on the couch, and moaning and whining about the whole process.

But, always, there are things that get me through. This time they seem to include,

- frequent long phone and online conversations with my wonderfully reassuring and calming sweetie
- dram after dram of hot green tea, in my cute and nearly perfect cast-iron tea pot (a gift from my sweetie's mom)
- small but consistent cleaning of the apartment, until there are large piled of largely unused stuff ready to go out the door, and more room for me to live and breathe and stretch out in this space a bit more
- daily exercise, usually involving running on the lovely new train near home, or yoga practice in my living room with the windows open and the breezes blowing warm air through
- easy but healthy meals of multi-grain breads, big salads, soft sandwiches, and homemade soups
- treats used as bribes for getting work done - chocolate, soft drinks, and now some delicious peach-mango gelato found somewhat hidden away at the local supermarket on my last jaunt
- soft and comfy clothes for curling up on the couch and in bed while I get yet another book read
- understanding emails from friends who, in this mess of academia, I've been quite shamefully ignoring
- dreaming about what I'll get to do when all of this is done - really clean (out) my place, sew some lovely new things with vintage patterns and lovely materials, cook yummy and complex meals, have more time with friends, and, best of all, travel to the big city (BC) and have some much needed time with my sweetie relaxing a lot and working a bit and taking in all sorts of small amusements while on vacation

But, for now I will likely remain boring and tense and mostly glued to my couch with a book in one hand and a pen and a pad of paper in the other, and I'll keep going at this. And then, someday soon, it will be done and little traces of life will start coming to the fore again, which feels very lovely indeed.

Colour Patterns

2007-04-13T16:12:00.000-07:00

Athough I'm sure they've been around for awhile, it's only recently that I've started noticing colour patterns around my apartment. Blue bits in the bathroom. Red bits in the living room. Aqua bits in the bedroom.

Aqua has never really been my colour, but I see it cropping up more and more, and keep bringing bits of it home with me.

First, it was this piece of vintage hobnail.

When we cleaned out my grandmother's house, I found this in the very back of one of her top kitchen cupboards, dusty and with beer mugs and pickle dishes stacked in front of it. I fell in love with immediately, and home it came with me (along with a car full of other things.)

Then, came this Avon cream jar.

From the local Goodwill, this was in with someone's excessive collection of vintage Avon perfume and cream jars. It came with a horrible gold plastic top, that has since been tossed. Now, it holds votive candles.

Not long after, I came across these pressed glass candle holders, also from a local thrift store.

They love on my nightstand, and throw some lovely, refracted light.

In more thrifty goodness, iust recently I also picked up a lidded glass jar that now lives in my bathroom.

It's use? Still undecided. I pictured it holding something like cotton balls in the bathroom, but it's a wee bit..well...wee for that, so we'll see.

And, finally, also fed by my thrifting habit, came these second and third bits of hobnail, to live with grandma's bowl.

They don't really have a purpose right now, other than the odd bit of ring and earring holding, but I find myself quite enamoured with them, and also with the entirety of my growing collection of aqua.

Does anyone else have unintentional colour trends surfacing around their homes?

Time for sleep

2007-03-14T20:35:00.000-07:00

It's been a crazy week, but it's so nice to come home and fall into bed when the craziness is all over (or almost all over), and actually realise that it's over. There's still work to do - lots and lots of works...months of it, in fact - but tonight there will be reading and early bedtime and, blissfully, sleep.

Happily, when I came home tonight a favourite catalogue was sitting in my mailbox. I'm not really one to catalogue shop, or even to look at them much, but I love thecatalogue from Toast...well...probably a little more than one should love a catalogue. The clothes are lovely and simple and very well made, and reading their catalogue is lovely, almost like reading a story.

Unfortunately, I can't seem to publish pictures tonight, but perhaps I'll share some of my favourites in the morning.

The Purge: The Beginning

2007-03-14T19:00:00.000-07:00

Spring has snuck up on me again and, with it, the desire to get some spring cleaning done, and a bunch of stuff out my apartment at the same time.

I'm not afraid to admit I have a little...erm...thrift store habit. And by little, I mean more like a big ginormous one. I really like an awful lot of things that the thriftstore tends to have a lot of - vintage dishes, linens, cookbooks, craft supplies, novels, costume jewelery - and I really like the prices that they have too. There are photos of a bunch of my finds in the works, now that there's some natural light coming in after a very grey winter but, suffice it to say, I have a lot of stuff around.

I'm also not afraid to admit that I have a lot of interests. I cook a lot, knit a reasonable amount and crochet a bit, read, write, sew, exercise, run, dance. I'm trying to learn how to draw and paint a bit as well. In addition, I do the vast majority of my work here, since my campus office is not so great. As a result, I have a lot of stuff.

This isn't a blame game - it's all my stuff, and I take ownership of it, often quite proudly. But I'm not so proud of the sheer amount of it sometimes, and the fact that although my apartment is never in a shambles, it is frequently in some kind of disarray, and it's difficult to clean because of the amount of stuff that I have, especially in the limited amount of time that I have.

So, I'm on a bigger mission than spring cleaning this year. I'm purging since I haven't purged in...well, a while, I suppose. I can't actually remember, which is not such a good sign. Although there have been little purges here and there along the way, I'm aiming high this time.

How high?

I don't really know yet. Thus far I have two boxes, three large garbage bags, and five medium sized bags, plus a full bundle buggy (yes, the bundle buggy goes too), and a dressmaker's dummy (which still leaves me with two more of them - oops.) Other than the fact that the piles of stuff further increase the difficulty of cleaning up, I'm pretty proud of myself for what I've accomplished thus far. But it's not done yet. There's a lot more left to do, a lot more left to simplify, and I'm hoping that posting about it here occasionally will keep me noth motivated and accountable to finally get rid of a bunch of the stuff that's cluttering up my apartment and weighing me down.

Good news

2007-03-06T20:41:00.000-08:00

Just as I was on my way out the door tonight, my email pinged at me. Upon checking it, I found that I've been accepted to present at a conference this summer after submitting an abstract almost two months ago now.

I'm feeling pretty proud. I've presented at some big name conferences before, but in more student-oriented capacities, or by invitation of someone I knew. I'm really proud of those conferences, and the work I did for them, but this one I feel especially proud of because it feels, moreso than the others, like this one was all me. I did the work and was accepted into a full fleged academic conference all by myself, on the merits of what I do, how I write, and how well I fit with what the organizers wanted. And, really, it feels pretty damn good.

But, given the supposedly serious academic nature of it all, perhaps I should stop referring to this as my "Big Girl Conference" soon.

Comments...swoon

2007-03-06T20:29:00.000-08:00

I'm a sporadic blogger, and that's probably being really, really nice about it. When the academic stuff takes over, pretty much everything else winds up out the window. As such, my posting is rare, at best, and tends to be devoid of logic, theme, continuity, or (most importantly) images. I'd like to say I can change this, but I don't really know that I can right now - there's just too much that needs to be done now, and it seems like this space is one of the first bits to go by the wayside.

It saddens me sometimes, to see how little I do around here, and how few people are probably actually looking my way. But I have to admit, the fact that I've had two recent comments has made me very happy. I don't really think I should blog exclusively for other people, but knowing that someone was out there (38 or so posts into the life of this blog, yipes!) may have given me a bit of a shot of inspiration. Who knows...maybe I'll actually do something with this space one of these days, and reply to the nice people who said hi to me, once my email is once again functional.

Truthfully, I'd really like to.

So...where do I go from here?

Annie

2007-02-19T13:52:00.000-08:00

September 18, 1996- February 19, 2007

Annie died this morning just after 9 am. She had a quiet night, was calm in the morning, and went quietly and peacefully with people who loved her and who she loved nearby.

I am not so quiet and peaceful, and there's a damn huge hole in my heart right now.

I know this too will pass, but for now there's a lot of hurting and crying to get through. Soon, perhapd I'll post some memories of her. Until then, I've started to knit some blankets to send to shelter dogs - I can't take care of my munchkin anymore, but at least I can try to take care of some other animals in need.

Goodbye, Sweet Girl

2007-02-18T03:06:00.000-08:00

Last night, I got the call. The call. Not a call.

Tommorow morning, first thing, my puppy dog is going to be put down.

There were many tears last night. There will probably be more today (okay, not probably - I started again a few lines down, and they show no signs of letting up). Despite some of the semi-good over-the-counter drugs, I got all of 5 not very good hours of sleep last night, and here I am now with crap on the TV and a laptop in bed because sleep is just No Good and Not Coming right now, and possibly won't tonight either.

Now, I have to decide if I want to be there or not when it happens. My parents, who adore her and take care of her will be there with her, so she absolutely won't be alone at the end, and hopefully won't be too distressed or upset immediately before it happens. My brother likely won't. But I still find myself scared that if I'm not there, she won't know how much I love her. But, really, no one seems to think it's necessary that I be there, and my parents have suggested that I not make the trek so that my last memories of her will only be the good and happy ones. Really, I know that she knows that I love her, and that she loves me back with all of her big, open, unconditional doggie heart. I also know that as much as my heart is breaking right now, going back and coming in the door to see her for the last time, and then having a last night with her, and finally watching her rest her head on her paws for the last time would probably tear it completely asunder. I would absolutely do it to ensure that she wasn't alone at the end. But she won't be, and I just don't know. Logically, I know that being there is probably not the best thing for me and, given that my folks will be there, my presence won't drastically improve anything for her, given the situation. Mostly, I think I'm just torn apart that even if I go home, this will be the last time I see her. There's a last time, and it's not in some far flung future - the last time is either going to be the time I saw her a few weeks ago or tomorrow, and there won't be any other times now - no visits in between, no stops home to see her, no wagging at the door, no walks, no sharing the bed, no chin scratched or belly rubs. No more Annie. But still, I feel torn.

I know this is the right thing to do. She's been sick for years, even though she's only eight and a half years old. Her kidneys are shut down, there's all manner or tocix crap coursing through her, it's physically painful for her to eat, and she doesn't go for walks or even get off the bed when dad gets home from work any more. She's still as loving as ever, but that's about all that she's got left, and it's just not fair to leave her like this, especially when the end will come in the next few weeks and, if it's not at the hands of the vet, it will be the result of toxicity or starvation, which is far worse. We won't let that happen, and it's not fair for her to suffer just so we can have a few more days with her.

Of course, knowing this doesn't make it any easier on me right now, and even though I've been expecting this for quite some time, I still feel as though death has come up, kicked me in the ass and tweaked my nose. I think grief is highly personal, and don't really know about the stages of grief model as a whole, but I've been through a few of them already. Denial's been going on for months now, with me hoping and hoping that she'd get better through changed diets, love and all the positive energy we could send her. I've been bargaining for a few weeks now, since some of the first signs that the end might be coming showed up. I'd hoped I could trade something I loved - barring my sweetie, family, and friends - and for awhile I hoped the loss of the TV remote counted as a trade off, but apparently that was a no-go and I found it again later (and yes, that was a weak attempt at a joke-through-tears, and not one of my better efforts.) Grief I've now got in spades - just tears and tears and tears, interrupted by the occasional bit of weeping and gasping for breath. Even when I'm not actively crying, I sit here and the tears just roll down my face, one after the other.

There are no pictures for this post. Some may come later, when I'm up to it, but for now I can't bear to look through them long enough to pick one, or to get it up here.

I'll be fine. I know I'll be fine, in weeks, or months. This too will pass, and there will be good memories, and great relief that my sweet girl isn't itchy or in pain or unable to have a life anymore. Soon, I hope, there will be some posts where I remember some good times and some funny times, the ones that will mark our time with you much more than this terrible time will. But right now, this second, this hurts like hell, and makes me want to alternately tear out my hair, scream, and throw up at the sheer awfulness of it all.

Goodbye, Little Girl, my Munchkin, my Annie. I hope you've had a good life, in spite of it all, and that you know how completely you are loved, and how we would have done (and did do) everything possible to have more time with you and to keep you as healthy and happy and comfortable as we possibly could. You will always, always be remembered, and loved, and treasured. I love you more than I can possibly say.

A taxonomy of tics

2007-01-04T21:27:00.000-08:00

Since it's been circulating and a few people have put out general invites to talk about six weird (I prefer "interesting" or "unusual" things about yourself, I thought I'd give it a go. Turned out this was harder than I thought, though...

1. I love alliteration, almost to the point of pain (please see the post title above for confirmation of this fact). I think something insane like 90% (or more) of the papers that I've written academically have involved intentional alliteration in the title. It just sounds better to me. In case you were wondering, my titles also tend to be a comprised of a short alliteration, followed by a colon and then a more specific elaboration of the title. Of course, now that I write this I feel completely stuck in some sort of academic rut and feel the need to rethink my whole academic strategy.

2. I cannot stand to have my belly button touched. I can barely stand to touch it myself, and it's worse when other people try. It totally skeeves me out - I don't know why, but it feels increibly weird and gross and I just can't deal. Even the though of having it touched kinda makes me shudder. *shudder*

3. I absolutely love the taste of herb and garlic cream cheese on cinnamon raisin bagels. I totally cannot explain this, but I find it to be yummy.

4. I am petrified of anything to do with my eyes. It's lessened enough over the past few years that I can deal with gel eyedrops if I can put them in myself, but really, that's about as good as it gets. When I was three, I went to the eye doctor, and they needed to put in eye drops. I freaked, and dad had to haul me into the exam room by my legs, while I was clinging, cartoon-fashion, to the edge of the door. In subsequent years, I recall them sedating me a few times before taking me in for the annual appointment. I really am better about it now (or, honestly, probably just better at hiding it, so long as no one checks out my blood pressure when I'm there), but anything to do with eyes in general - my own, or those on TV or in books or whatever - is just plain old no good.

5. I can't watch horror or suspense films (oh, heck, I can't even read Agatha Christie books right before bed). I have a hugely overactive imagination and, if I do, it goes haywire, especially at night. Once, in undergrad, I watched a scary movie with friends. Despite the fact that my matress was on the floor at the time, when I went up to bed I had to jump onto the mattress from a few feet away so that anything that was underneath wouldn't be able to get me. I was 22. I don't think it was until the next year that I had to get someone to take me to the bathroom after another scary movie. I think it was at that point that I learned my lesson, and just stopped. While it might be incredibly amusing for the people around me, the ensuing stress is just not so much fun.

6. I can't deal with crowds of people. Or shopping malls. Or, worse yet, both. In the middle of crowds, even small ones, I start to freak out and really need to keep myself focused just to get out in one piece without losing it. Once, when I happened to have my sweetie's cell phone with me, I got caught in a massive crowd of people near his office and I called him. I sounded so distressed on the phone, just from the crowd, that he could hear it in my voice and was worried about me (such a sweetie!) I avoid malls like the plague now, and the few times that I actually make it into one only serve to remind me how much I dislike them and crowds of people.

I'm not really one for tagging people, but go wild, if you want to.

Ups and downs

2007-01-02T20:25:00.000-08:00

It's been an up and down sort of day, the kind that leaves you ready to keel over on the couch at the end of the day you're so tired.

After a pretty good sleep-in, I got up and, in a show of getting the new year off to a good academic start, finished off some revisions on a paper right off and sent them into the journal. This was followed by a healthy veggie lunch, a nice walk, a visit to the local dog run, and...

...an email that I didn't get the big scholarship that I applied for.

This isn't a big surprise, and this certainly isn't the first time I've been rejected. The chances of getting it are slim, and even slimmer given some of the elements of my research (it's new, a lot of people don't know/trust the field, it's a new department, really, all kind of things.) But I found myself sitting here, whining to my sweetie about how it feels so much like I'm battling my way upstream most of the time in my academic life, despite promises of yummy sushi and lots of hugs.

I know that I don't always feel this way, and part of it is the fact that I don't always take the easy route to do my work, because I really do like to push myself and learn a lot, but there are so many times when it's insanely frustrating. There are few people in my department who "get" my research, and fewer who do anything similar enough to offer me help. Heck, although the field is growing, there just aren't that many of us doing it period. Getting in with the group that are working on it frequently feels like fighting my way into an old boy's club. It's hard to get funding, especially since I need really general awards because there aren't any available that are specific to my field, and everyone's fighting for the general ones anyway.

That reads like a sob story, which is likely at least in part because I'm pretty damn tired and having a sugar crash right now. And I know that everyone goes through this sometimes, no matter what it is that they do. It's just that this is one of those up and down days (made worse because it started at the up bit, and came significantly down later. But, tomorrow's another day, and hopefully there will be more work done, and emails sent, and reading finished that will help keep me on this track a little better, and in a way that's a little less frustrated and frustrating.

Here's hoping.

New Year's non-resolutions

2007-01-02T09:44:00.000-08:00

Or, any day can be a new year, if you want it to be.

I'd be lying if I said that I didn't make resolutions - I do - but I've never really held with making them on New Year's necessarily. Sure, I have some things in mind that I'd like for this year. I'd like to be a bit healthier, and to eat a bit better and to exercise a bit more. I'd like to be a bit more productive, and write a few more papers, present at a few more conferences, and maybe get something published. I'd like some more time with friends, some more time with me, and some other personal stuff. But these are things that I want all the time, and things that I'm willing to renew my committment too on a regular basis, not just on the first day of the year.

And so that's what I do - if I've been lax in something, I renew my committment to it. That doesn't mean I won't slip again (we all do, at some point), or pull it off perfectly the first go around. But it does allow me a lot of chances to make things better. I know we all do this anyway, and we don't rely on New Year's, and that the particular day is largely symbolic more than anything else. But I think it's important at this time of year to be reminded that we have all kinds of chances, and not just this one, to think about our lives, think about the changes that we want, and to put them into play.

This year, I guess you could say I'm going to allow any day that I want to be New Year's, and I'm going to work on whatever I want to, whenever I want to, and just keep trying to make things better.

Happy New Year's, all!

Always learning

2006-11-26T13:45:00.000-08:00

Today (and yesterday evening too) I learned what the inside of a PC looks like, what it's parts are, what they do, and how they fit together. As a long-standing Mac laptop user (the computer of parts that do not really come apart), this is a bit deal for me. Really, it was pretty good. It wasn't so scary, and I enjoyed it. And, more than that, I'm proud of myself for learning something new.

Thanksgiving

2006-11-23T09:25:00.000-08:00

This isn't technically my Thanksgiving, but I didn't write on mine, so I'm going to borrowing the US holiday. Also, I have a few posts to make up - yesterday just didn't happen because of travel and getting ready for travel, and the day before didn't happen because of packing and exhaustion which caused me to collapse into bed and fall asleep well before I planned. But no matter.

It's been a long few weeks and, after my first long night of good sleep in a long while, there's a lot that I feel thankful for (even above and beyond the aforementioned long night of good sleep.)

I'm thankful I have someone wonderful in my life who loves me (and sometimes tolerates me) and makes me laugh and takes care of me and understands me. I'm thankful I have a generous, loving family who are always there when I need them. I'm thankful I have great friends who support and listen to me and help me out as much as they possibly can, and I'm grateful that I can do the same for them. I'm thankful that I've chosen a job that I enjoy, despite some of the hiccups, and that I really get to do what I've always wanted to do with my life. I'm thankful that my needs are met - I have a nice apartment that's (relatively) warm, food in my fridge, a cosy bed to sleep in, easy public transit, and everything else I need to be healthy and happy. Most of all, I'm grateful that I'm healthy and happy, probably due in no small part to all of these other things.

I hope everyone out there has at least something that they are thankful for this Thanksgiving, and that at least something in their world is going right.

A little bit away

2006-11-20T20:42:00.000-08:00

T-minus two days...

...and boy could I use it.

It's Monday, and it's already been a long week. My students have a paper tomorrow, and a bunch of them met with me today, or emailed me today, barely started their essays, or asking questions that they should know the answer to, or asking for extensions that they should have asked for a week ago. My patience, which was already wearing thin, is now at such a longtime low that I turned off my email at around two today and intend to leave it off at least until tomorrow morning. This late is just too late, and they should have been in touch with me earlier.

In addition, I need to work. I'm giving a lecture tomorrow, and although I'm well prepared, I like to review my notes and fuss with them before I give the talk. A lot. It makes me feel more comfortable, and I need some uninterrupted time for this in prder to give the best possible lecture.

Really, I'm a perfectionist. I fuss. I do powerpoint. I arrange and rearrange. I replace images with ones with better resolutions. I find more relevant images. I switch slides around and change wordings. In a way, I take pleasure in it. I really like my work to be good, and I like for it to make sense, flow logically, and look as good as possible. And I'm willing to put a fair amount of effort into this (and, just to be fair, I do spend at least an equal amount of time on research and planning, so that the content is good as well, and makes sense and flows in at least a somewhat logical order.)

But, I've been working hard on this. And public speaking still makes my knees shake (literally, sometimes, which is why I like having a podium in front of me to secure myself behind, and to hold onto if need be.) And I've spent some insane amount of hours (like...8...or 10...or something) on meeting with and composing emails to students. And I have a huge pile of marking coming my way. So yeah, I'm looking forward to getting away, even if away isn't completely away from everything that's going on right now. 'Cause even a little bit away is looking pretty damn sweet right now.

I need a project

2006-11-19T20:15:00.000-08:00

I feel like I need a project. A big one. (Because apparently comps and a dissertation just aren't enough.) I want something to do.

I was rereading parts of fiftyRx3 today, and I love the idea of having a big meaninful, long project to work on. I briefly considered adopting a project similar to Danyelle's - trying to ensure that 50 per cent of her wardrobe is stylish but sustainable, so either reduced, reused, or recycled - but I didn't think it would work so well. Most of wardrobe is recycled (easily 80 per cent, right now), and I'm not so very stylish, so that might not work so well.

I just want something continual to do that is interesting and meaningful to me, and not really related to school directly, but to some of my wider interests. A few ideas I've been playing with are:

- buying nothing new
- creating one knitting or sewing project a month for a charity
- creating an art project once a week just for me, as an exercise in creativity

Honestly, getting started is also a bit of a challenge because I know how bad I can be, especially when school gets busy, at sticking to projects. I always have the best of intentions, but keeping at stuff just doesn't always work so well, and it's hard to get started when I know it's something that might well get left by the wayside.

But, I think this time that it might just be important for me to try, to start, to at least get something going. And, maybe from that point, I'll find something that really works for me.

[Insert pithy/clever final line here.]

Random photos of the day

2006-11-18T20:03:00.000-08:00

I'm tired and not feeling so great, and I was looking through some of my photos today, and I picked out a few that I really like to share today.

A ceiling light that I really liked the look of.

A fallout shelter sign - it always strikes me as so odd, and yet so relevant, when I see these...so shocking.

The light over the dining table in the cottage. I've played so many games at night by the light of this fixture, and I really love it, both for the way it looks and the associations that I have with it.

I love the way that the light falls through these curtains (also in the cottage, but in the sunporch at the back.)

Pre-weekend wrap up

2006-11-17T17:47:00.000-08:00

I had a long and really frustrating week (as is often the case), and I feel like I need to sit down and think about what I've accomplished this week so that I don't keep feeling so down. Sometimes in all the hustle and bustle of life I just forget how much I've actually done. Even if there's more that I was supposed to do, or wanted to do, seeing it all in a list is really helpful to me, I find.

So, this week I:

- met with upwards of 20 students about their upcoming papers
- fielded over 50 detailed and long-ish emails about the same
- graded one final student essay
- read a few chapters of comps books
- got about 75% of next week's class lecture on post-colonialism finished
- handled all of the work and academic emails that I was supposed to (something that I tend to put off)
- changed plane tickets so that I can stay a bit longer for horribly-relevant-to-dissertation symposium in early December
- cooked most of my own food
- had long and rather productive lunch time chat with a good friend
- started an easy crochet project for when I'm curled up in bed
- filed numerous big piles of academic papers into filing cabinet (which also helped to clear off the floor)
- started in on not-so-top-secret Christmas gift

So, really, although there are things yet to do, I feel pretty good about this week, and I appreciate the opportunity to focus in on what I've been doing well, instead of what I didn't do so well at. And, there's always tomorrow, or next week, or even next month, which is comforting.

Projects yet to come

2006-11-16T19:57:00.000-08:00

I picked up this yarn awhile ago (significantly on sale), and I have yet to decide what to do with it.

The bright red, pink, and aqua are all Suss cotton, while the darker red is, as I recall, merino. It's nice stuff, but thus far I've only decided the dark red will be a scarf for my dad (which is the purpose that I bought it for.)

I have a problem with craft stuff, though. I have a lot of materials. Actually, I have a lot of really nice materials - a bit of decent yarn, some nice vintage and other fabric, lots of lovely buttons, and all sorts of other bits and pieces. The trouble is, I'm loathe to use a lot of it. I have a hard time decided what to do with my stuff. This is, in part, because I have so many options, chosing just one project for some materials that I love can be really difficult. And, on top of that, I tend to feel that I may want the materials for something else later - a better project that would be just perfect.

Really, I know having this stuff should be about using and enjoying it, but I sometimes feel like I'm always searching for the perfect project which never comes and would probably not be absolutely perfect anyway. I think this is something that I need to get over, and just use my stuff (in part, because the collection of stuff that I have around here really needs to shrink and be used.)

I think I need to go cut into something now...

T-minus seven days

2006-11-15T19:59:00.000-08:00

...'til vacation...

I'm taking a week and a half for visiting and to go to a very dissertation-related conference at which I hope to network my little heart out.

In terms of the visiting, I get to see my funny, smart, wonderful boyfriend for a week and a bit, and we have a bunch of stuff that we want to do. There will be good food and tv and movies and walks and baths and hopefully some trips out and, most importantly, lots of cuddling and canoodling (isn't canoodling an awesome word?)

For the conference, I get to meet and hang out with a who's who of my field. I'm looking forward to hearing some great speakers and panels, and to having some time to network. I've been hoping to make some good connections for awhile now, and I'm hoping this will be the opportunity I need. The scholars in my field are limited at my current University, and the more outside contacts I can get the better off I am. But, really, I'm just excited about the whole prospect of getting away to a great guy and a great conference. The travelling itself will be rather rushed and probably not such a great thing, but I can deal with that. 'Cause even lousy travel can lead to a really great trip.

Where I wish I were right now

2006-11-14T20:22:00.001-08:00

If I could be anywhere right now, it would probably be at the family cottage. It's likely very cold this year (no insulation), and very grey, and I'm sure in practice it wouldn't be so very lovely. But, today, I'm dreaming (especially of sun.)

The farm across the road:

The cows down the road:

Heading down the road:

(I seriously love the sky in this last picture.)

Oddly enough, for being taken on a point and shoot camera in a moving car, these photos didn't turn out too badly, which pleases me greatly.

Oopsie

2006-11-12T15:26:00.000-08:00

Well, I missed yesterday. I suppose I should have expected that I wouldn't be perfect at this but, really, I'm not that upset about it. I had a migraine, and something stomach-flu-ish, and anything having to do with the computer was really not going to happen past a certain point.

On the up side, my stomach is feeling much more settled, and I'm making myself something yummy for dinner:

In the read enamelled pot at the back are rice noodles, in the stainless steel skillet are a bunch of veggies and pad thai sauce, and in the small black cast iron pan are shrimp, which will be followed shortly by a scrambled egg. Toss it all together and you have pad thai, from the lovely cook book Hot Sour Salty Sweet.

Also hovering around are some of my favourite Le Creuset pots, which are lovely to cook in, and an inheritance from mom. My kitchen, while not always perfectly clean, does produce a lot of good food, and I love having good equipment to work with - it really makes a difference.

And now, to eat.

Fridge Friday

2006-11-10T21:46:00.000-08:00

Thanks again to Kate for this post. She's asked (or suggested, at least) that people post photos of their fridge. And so, I have done so.

My fridge:

More than anything else, what you see here is an attempt at healthy eating. Organic jam, applesauce, natural PB, and a lot of fruits, veggies, low fat milk, and whole grain bread. Lots of leftovers make their way in too, which are handy for my busy days (it's leftovers that are under that upturned plate in the bottom - in the interest of environmental concern, I upsended a plate over my bown instead of using plastic wrap.) Generally, there are a lot of staples in here, since I usually cook from scratch. It's not all perfect, but I think I do okay for myself on a fairly regular basis. And, what you can't see in this photo is the bottom crisper, which is full of fruits and veggies (and, honestly, probably a little bit of mold at this point, too.)

And here's it's door:

And here we have mostly things that I use to make other things - sauces and condiments and some tofu, oh my.

There are also a few things missing that aren't in there right now that I usually have on hand. This week, I seem to be missing yogurt, V8, an extra jug of water, and a big loaf of bakery multigrain bread.

(As a side note, it seems that the fridge is the only thing in my apartment that is well-lighted enough to take pictures of. I guess I'll be moving lights around soon to see if I can get some more photos.)

Working hard or hardly working?

2006-11-09T17:23:00.000-08:00

One of the big issues I find I have with school is that there's always a lot to do, and yet there are definitely days where I don't have enough interest to really get any work done. Part of that is that right now my work is preparation for my comprehensive exams - a big exam based on 80 or so texts - which basically entails a lot of reading and notetaking (and sitting.)

It's certainly nice to have so much to read, and not to be expected to do a lot more than read. But, on the days where I'm supposed to be reading, sometimes it just doesn't click. Sometimes I'm a little too tired, and the books are a little too boring, and I tend to wander or doze a bit. Sometimes I feel so much pressure to retain what's going on in the texts that all I can think about is trying to remember it, which makes it really hard to retain it (funny how that works!)

Studying at home can also be a bit of an issue. While being at home is somewhat of a luxury, it can also be difficult when I have to work and I'm surrounded by distractions such as books, music, mess (closely related to cleaning), food, and bed. There are always other things I could be getting done, and if I'm not totally into work, then getting to it instead of Everything Else isn't always the easiest thing in the world. These are all the "hardly working" days.

All of that sounds rather like a rant. But, today, everything clicked. Today, I was "working hard." I got a lot of work done, no problem. I sat down and read multiple chapters and finished off a few books I've been working on for awhile, and started making notes for another.

I feel so much better.

I've been stressing and sweating over how little I've been doing, since teaching's been pretty hectic this month. But all it takes is one good work day to help me feel like I'm back on track and to settle down a bit more about the whole thing. And, thankfully, once I've started to settle down I wind up getting more work done overall. I'm sure I'll slip up again, and start stressing, but the more I learn about how I work, the better this all gets. And really, I'm pretty sure this is education in and of itself.

Smørrebrød

2006-11-08T21:59:00.000-08:00

Or, the art of eating.

When I was younger, all through high school I worked for a Danish bakery and deli. We did some catering, and one of the things that I most dreaded and most enjoyed was when we'd get order for Danish open faced sandwiches, which look rather like this.

They're a complete pain in the ass to make. They're fussy and, because everything on them is on display, even the ingredients need to be perfect - no slapping a second piece of bread on the top to make it all look okay. There are many different kinds, all of which are usually ordered at once (usually as a sandwisch tray for a buffet or some other serve-yourself function), and the logistics of getting all the ingredients prepped and all of them assembled is, in short, a logistical nighmare. There's breaded fish with mayonaise, parsley, and lemon on white break. There's egg with mayonase on white bread. There's liver pate with bacon, tomato, fried onion, parsley, and cucumber on buttered Danish rye bread (possibly the densest, heviest bread on the face of the planet.) There's roast beef (also on buttered Danish rye) with remoulade, cucumber, parsley. And there's more. All of the bread has the crusts cut off. All of it is buttered. All of the toppings and garnishes aren't just laid on, but are cut and twisted and balanced and arranged just so, so you can see all of the bits. And all of these sandwiches need to be put together on the same day, with all of the ingredients prepared and arranged on the same day as they're to be picked up. Again, it's a total pain to make and, I assume, also somewhat of a pain to eat since they fall apart so easily.

But, the fact of the matter is that they're lovely. They're delicate and layered with a lovely collection of flavours. They take time to eat, and make you contemplate what you're eating and how you're eating it. At least, I think they do - perhaps I'm just not so used to eating them.

She's making a list...

2006-11-08T20:51:00.000-08:00

Every year, my mother asks for ideas for Christmas gifts that I would like. Every year, I have fewer and fewer ideas to offer her. Between my fairly comfortable and well-appointed little apartment, my love of thrift stores, and my need to curb my consumption and get rid of a bunch of stuff, I actually don't want that much. Music is downloaded, books come from (and are returned to the library), and most of the things that I buy I make or acquire second-hand - basically, my needs are met increasinly in ways that mean that I can (hopefully) cut down on how much I buy.

In a way, the requests are also limited by her. She refuses to buy my textbooks, although now that I'm working on comprehensive exam prep, I'd love to get some of the books that I need. She also won't buy me really practical things like socks, even when I specifically ask for them. In some cases, unless I give her the specific make and model number of something, she gives me a giftcard and sends me out to get it myself (and that's how my crock pot came to be last year.) In some ways, it's a nice gesture. Although she wants to get me things that I'll use, she also wants to take the time and effort to get me things that I wouldn't really buy for myself, which I think is a caring and lovely thing to do (and such a mom thing!)

In any case, I really don't have much in the way of ideas this year. I have some books that I'm interested in, and the odd DVD or CD on the list. But, this year, I'm considering just asking for a donation to charity. I don't need anything, and other people do, and I'm liking the idea of helping other people to have a better Christmas - toys for children who don't have any, food for people who need a warm meal, general means of making the world a little bit better for people, if possible. I don't know how this idea will go over, but I think it sounds like a great Christmas present, and one that's not just good for me.

Back to reading

2006-11-07T19:26:00.000-08:00

I read a lot. I read for classes. I read for my comprehensive exams. I read for my tutorials. I read essays and exams and articles enough to last me for the rest of my life. Really, I don't mind. I like to read. I like to curl up on my couch and work my way through theory. I like to sit at my desk and read articles. I like to learn. I like theory.

But, with all of this reading, I don't get much reading done for pleasure. By the end of the day, by the time schoolwork and research and marking and class prep is done, I don't feel like I have a lot of time to read just for me. I tend to pile into bed with my TV and shows that I don't even really like all that much.

In an effort to get back some pleasure reading, I'm trying something new. No more Leno or Letterman at night. Instead, I'm going to try to tuck myself into bed early(ier) every night, snuggle under the covers (I love me some covers) and read before I go to sleep. I find, once I have the TV on, that I don't like to turn it off, even if I'm not really watching, so I stay up later both because it's on and because it's less relaxing than warm light, heavy covers, soft pillows, and a good book. I'm hoping that, out of this effor to read, I'll be motivated to find more time for pleasure reading in general - as a morning treat, or an afternoon break, or when I just need a bit of time to unwind.

And, in the spirit of getting myself to read, I think I'm going to start tracking here the books that I'm working my way through, and especially the ones that I really love. I'd love to share some of the books that I love with other people, and hope that you enjoy them as much as I do.

First on the list: "The Secret Book of Grazia dei Rossi."

No pictures, but much thrifting

2006-11-06T15:35:00.000-08:00

I went thrifting today. I had lots of do, but I was feeling pretty bad physically (to the point where I felt that marking feeling the way I was feeling wouldn't be entirely fair to my students, especially in terms of my ability to concentrate on what they were saying.) And so, I decided that getting out for a bit and takingsome time to do something that I enjoy would help me more than sitting around and worrying about the work that I wasn't doing. So I got up, put on a comfy seater, grabbed some music, and caught the bus to the local thrift store.

I like thrifting (to use the improper yet still-great verb form of the word) for a variety of reasons. I like that it's cheap, and that I can get a whole pile of stuff for less than the cost of a t-shirt in most stores. I like that it reuses things that might not otherwise be used again. I like that it removes some of the guilt, for me at least, of supporting big stores with questionable labour practise. I like that most of the stuff has lasted well enough to be there, and that it will likely last a little longer. I also like that if it doesn't, because of the price it's not such a big loss. I like that there aren't outfits all laid out for you, so you think about what you're putting together and can put it together in new and interesting ways. And I love that there are all manner of neat, interesting and, for me, especially vintage clothes that are all unique and usually pretty reasonably priced.

Today, I didn't pick up that much. A copy of Madeline, the children's book (I love children's books, and have a growing collection.) A great long white shirt that I want to modify to fit a little better. A great small vintage platter, to go with my other vintage housewares. And, best of all, an adjustable dressmaker's dummy, for a whole $10. I have 2 already, but this is in the best shape of all three. Right now, it's in my bedroom, since I've always wanted to have one there.

Unfortunately, I don't have any photos yet. Photos are proving to be difficult, especially since my apartment faces north with a balcony over the windows, so there is very, very rarely enough natural light in here to take a non-flash photo that looks even remotely good. I'm working on lighting, but figuring out a combo of natural and artificial lighting might take a while. If anyone has any tips on reasonable photo-taking with a pretty basic digital camera, I'd be more than happy to hear it.

Slipping off to sleep

2006-11-05T18:17:00.000-08:00

It's 9 pm, and I'm ready for bed. Well, actiually, I was ready for bed at 5:30 tonight, but dinner seemed like a good thing to have, even if it was just reheated leftovers from last night. It seems like I've spent most of today in bed, either working or sleeping. I'm tired, and feeling pretty lousy, but glad to be snuggled in warm and toasty and comfy.

The normal quantity and quality of drivel should resume shortly. For now, I sleep.

From frying to food security

2006-11-04T21:10:00.000-08:00

I cooked a lovely dinner tonight in my new skillet (thanks, mom!) * Since dinner took awhile, as I was cooking I got to thinking about how I feel about food and eating as I was cutting and chopping and mixing and stirring and frying. I have an odd relationship with food, not in terms of any sort of disorder or negative associations, but to the extent that I feel grateful for it. I appreciate my food every single time I walk into my kitchen, and have a huge sense of gratitude that there is food there that I can eat and that I don't have to worry about where my next meal is coming from. It's a blessing, I know, and not one that I take lightly or fail to recognize on at leats a semi-daily basis. Maybe this way of thinking is not just me, but it's not something that I've never really heard...well...anyone speak about all that much, and it would interest me to know if anyone else feels this way.

In any case, food security is a huge interest of mine, both from an academic point of view and just from the fact that I feel that everyone has a basic right to food. Not that I think people shouldn't have to work for it, or just expect it to magically appear. But, I believe that everyone has a right to healthy, affordable food, and that we should work to ensure that right. I've worked at foodbanks. I've seen hungry people. I've seen grateful people. I've seen people so hungry that they could barely wait to leave the site before they eat, and it's torn my heart out every time. I hear so many stories from friends of mine who work in food banks that make my heart feel like it's crunching up until I start to get teary. It bothers me that the cycle of hunger is so dificult to get out of. Proper nutrition is the basis of so many things in life, including life itself, that I sometimes just don't understand why it isn't the basis of more social programs, more attention, more concern.

To be fair, I know there is a good deal of concern out there - there are agencies and people working as hard as they can to make a difference. I was in the grocery store the other day, and they're running their annual campaign called, "Toonies for Tummies" which is designed to deal with child hunger. (For those of you who are American, Canadians have a two-dollar coin called a Toonie.) There were a number of people ahead of me in line, and every single one, when asked, refused to give $2.00. I'm sure not everyone can afford to give, especially if they're having a hard time feeding themselves or their families, but the lack of donations out of all of those people really bothered me (not to mention the rudeness that two of them showed when they were asked.)

Maybe they donate money in the privacy of their homes, or volunteer every week at a food bank or soup kitchen. Maybe they know hunger intimately, painfully, in themsleves or on the faces of their family and would give if they could. Maybe, after living with my mother (who annually puts together a lot of food for the local food bank, and always includes some cookies or chocolate or nice tea because she firmly believes that everyone should have a treat every now and again) I just expect more of the average person. I can't pretend to know why people don't seem to give, and I really wouldn't condemn anyone for not giving if they had their own reasons not to. But I guess I want to fix the world and especially the things that bother me most, and I want there to be more people with me on this and making a gesture. And I try to recognize that my occasional frustration with other people may just be my frustration with myself for not being able to do as much as I'd like.

For now, I give when and what I can, in both time and money. For the most part, that works for me. And every single day when I walk into my kitchen, I remember what food means to me, how much I appreciate having it there, and how good my life really is.

* I actually took a photo of tonight's dinner, which was a lovely healthy pad thai from Hot Sour Salty Sweet, but because of the dark and the camera flash, it turned out...well...badly. Someday I'll figure out how to take good photos...really I will.

(No longer so) blah

2006-11-03T14:57:00.000-08:00

Despite my intentions to create a lovely picture-laden post for today, the more the day progresses the less likely that is to happen. It's cold and grey, and I can't take a photo to save my life. Also, I'm sick and completely hunkered into bed.

12 hours later...

I've decided to reconsider this post, and the general whiney-ness of it, 12 hours after I originally wrote and published it. Apparently publishing a post while feeling lousy can, in my world at least, be akin to those scary drunken 3 am phone calls that you sometimes hear about people making that lead to nothing but regret (has anyone ever actually made one of those calls themselves? I don't do drunk, but there are definitely some phone calls in my past that weren't made at the best of times and certainly didn't go anywhere as well as I'd planned.) At least the Internets are merciful in the fact that they allow for editing.

So, instead of continuing to focus on the yucky, I'm going to focus on the positive from my day. I finished some marking, which is a very good thing, and I dealt with some emails that needed attention. I talked to my boyfriend (three times), which is lovely and funny and leaves me feeling generally pretty great. I got up and danced in my living room to (good) bad music and had a fabulous time. I packed up another bag of stuff to donate to charity, leaving my apartment a little cleaner and me feeling both lighter and a bit like I was contributing to something. I read in bed and enjoyed myself immensely. I did my dishes and cleaned my kitchen and made my home feel a little more lovely and comfy for me.

This list seems a little boring, typed up like this on a computer screen. But, it's amazing what a difference it can make to write out the positive instead of the negative in terms of changing my perspective on a day that, originally, felt not so good and is now feeling pretty terrific.

My first meme

2006-11-02T15:41:00.000-08:00

I've never done a meme before. And so, while this might normally be a bit of a cop-out, and probably not something I would normally do (I'd ratherv write than answer a bunch of questions), I'm happy to be completing my first meme as a part of NaBloPoMo.

1. Flip to page 18, paragraph 4 in the book closest to you right now, what does it say?

I opened Marilynne Robinson's Housekeeping, and there are only two paragraphs on page 18. So...that doesn't work so well, now does it?

2. If you stretch out your left arm - as far as possible, what are you touching?

My second nightstand. If I curve my fingers a bit, I can feel my knitting (Lamb's Pride worsted, for a Christmas gift - details to follow in a later post.)

3. What's the last program you watched on tv?

Law and Order: SVU. I don't have cable, and my powered antenna only gives me about 5 1/2 channels, yet somehow I get law and order ten times a week, two times every weeknight. I'll take what I can get.

4. Without looking, guess what time it is.

10:30 (only off by 4 minutes - yay!)

5. Except the computer, what can you hear right now?

The TV in the background, and a neighbour playing music. I can also hear the engine of the bus that picks up outside my apartment and is idling out there right now.

6. When was the last time you were outside and what did you do?

I walked to the grocery store tonight to pick up some veggies and take a break from marking. It was chilly and was windy, and it started to snow while I was outside. While it's good to get out, it's nice to come home and cook and nest afterwards.

7. What are you wearing?

Some pink cotton dress pants, a brown wool sweater, the standard undergarments, my watch, and some gold-ish earrings.

8. Did you dream last night? If you did, what about?

I did (and have for the last few nights.) Trouble is, I can't seem to remember what any of those dreams are. I wake up every morning feeling tired and discombobulated and out of sorts, but for the life of me I can't remember exactly what I dreamed. This is especially disconcerting because I usually remember my dreams in vivid detail.

9. When was the last time you laughed?

Tonight, while talking on the phone with my boyfriend. He makes me laugh a lot and often - just one thing that I love about him.

10. What's on the walls, in the room you're in right now?

A mirror, some lights, and a new painting/print done by the aforementioned boyfriend.

11. Have you seen anything strange lately?

Yes. I live in a city of strange things and people. The mullets alone are strange and frightening.

12. What do you think about this meme?

It's okay - it's given me day two content for this blog, which is a good thing. And, for my first meme, I like the variety of content.

13. What's the last film you saw?

I went to see Little Miss Sunshine in the theatre (first theatre movie in a few years). It was hysterical. Dark, dark, dark, but funny as hell.

14. If you became a multimillionaire, what would you do with the money?

Set aside enough for my degree. Maybe get a little house or something, Invest a bunch. Give some to family and friends. Give a lot to charity.

15. Tell us something about yourself that most people don't know.

I can't stand that feeling when a jagged edge of toenail or rough skin catches on nylons when I'm putting them on or off. Just thinking about it creeps me out and leaves me feeling like I want to gag.

16. If you could change ONE THING in this world, without regarding politics or bad guilt - what would it be?

Poverty - would absolutely make poverty go away. It's the cause of so many issues, and so much heartache.

17. Do you like dancing?

Goodness, yes! In addition to many years of dance classes, I love just getting out and moving. Sometimes, when the floor is clear, I just dance around my apartment for fun. And boy, is it ever fun.

18. George Bush?

Do I like, him? Goodness, no! Except for entertainment, that is. Then he's a scream.

19. What do you want your children’s names to be, girl/boy?

I have no idea. There are a bunch of names that I like, and a bunch that I hate. I have a pretty ordinary and common name, so those that are a bit (just a bit!) off the beaten track seem to be rather attractive to me.

20. Would you ever consider living abroad?

Sure thing, although it would probably depend on the country and the reasons for the move.

21. What do you want God to tell you, when you come to heaven?

I'm going to heaven? Sweet! Other than that, I have no idea what I'd like to hear there. Deep question, though.

22. Who should do this meme?

Anyone who wants to. I'm certainly not going to force anyone (if for no other reason than I think that I have all of one or two readers at this point.)

For me? You shouldn't have!

2006-11-01T21:57:00.000-08:00

I was on my way to teach today and was walking downstairs and out of our building with another grad student friend who teaches at the same time as me, just down the hall. We came to the bottom of the stairs, and resting on the bottom was a red binder. Walking by it, my Fellow Grad Student (FGS) pointed and said, "Look - a free binder."

I was thinking about this after, and it's something that I do too. When I see something lying around now - whether it be a pen, notebook, or umbrella - I don't think "Oh look - someone forgot that" as much as I think, "Oh good - someone left a _________ for me."

This seems to be an odd mentality. I'm certainly not one to steal and I don't usually take stuff that's left behind (unless it's something really small, like a pen), but it seems to be the way I think about things when I'm not actually thinking about things. And, for that matter, I don't seem to be the only one who's thinking this way.

There's certainly an acknowledged tendency in grad school to appreciate things that are free. Free food is in especially high regard, and some of my friends and I have been known to invade biology pizza parties (we're not in biology but, granted, that was by invite from a prof and the bio department is also in our building.) Even if they're old discards from profs, free books are also a hit. We adore free printing, free paper, and free office supplies. Free transportation is bliss. Free entertainment is lovely where we can get it.

By and large, the love of things that are cheap or, better yet, free is something that I'm familiar with. It's a necessity on a grad student salary a lot of the time, and it's frequently acknowledged and even encouraged. Most grad students I know love all that is free. I have friends who are profs and now making decent salaries who love paid faculty meals to this day simply because they are free. But the idea that everything is there for us (so long as it's forgotten or just lying around) is kind of a scary way of viewing the world, and not something that I really want to cultivate over the next two or three years of this degree, especially when I don't know why it's so pronounced. I'm generally not one to feel particularly entitled, especially just to stuff. While I don't know if this is really something that can be "dealt with" in any concrete sense, it is a way of viewing the world that I think I'd like to be aware of and try to change. Although free is certainly a good thing, it's not everything.

Daily Ethnography

2006-11-01T15:37:00.000-08:00

I thought perhaps I'd try to explain the reasons for this blog title. Although it's not all of what I do now, I was trained as an anthropologist, and I still use ethnography as a large portion of my research. As a research approach, I find ethnography hugely interesting - accounting for a culture, a way of life, a cultural practise in almost any group of people in any site involved in any practice feels so open and free and like such a great way of understanding the world a little bit as a time.

I wanted to think about my life in the same way. I wanted to think about different facets of who I am and why, and especially how they fit together in my world. I wanted to detail and maybe even understand some of these things that I might otherwise not even notice, let alone think about. I wanted to notice and appreciate all of these things independently and in some kind of overarching version of me.

This is an ethnography of me. It won't necessarily be daily in terms of how I post, but it will be daily in terms of what I think and talk about here. This probably means it will be somewhat eclectic, and likely somewhat jumpy. And, this is, at first glance, a small post, but I expect there will be lots more to say.But I'm looking forward to, as with so many things in life, figuring it out as I go.

NaBloPoMo

2006-10-30T22:44:00.000-08:00

Thanks to the lovely Kate I've learned about National Blog Posting Month. I've never been much of a journaler or blogger or, really, much of one for writing anything on a regular basis. But I'd like to be writing a bit if not actually blogging on a somewhat regular basis, and I'm hoping that by signing up to post every. single. day. I might actually do something with this space. No promises, but the act of signing up for something might be the kick start that I want for this.

Starting (and stopping...and starting...)

2006-10-30T22:11:00.000-08:00

Why is it so hard to know where to start things? Or, to end them and figure out where to start, or how to start over again? I have lots of things I want to write about, and yet the task of writing an introduction to this space seems difficult if not overwhelming. So many interests, so many things to say, and yet so little comes out sometimes.

I've started writing this numerous times over, literally, the course of months as I thought about what to say, and how to say it, and when and how. But, it strikes me that maybe this is a process that can't be mapped right now. And, more than that, maybe it's not worth mapping, or maybe something is lost in the planning. And so I'm going to write. And maybe sometimes I'll delete too. But getting to wherever I'm going is half the fun, I think, and so here goes nothing.

Daily Ethnography

It's 2 a.m. - do you know where your articles are?

Endnote love

Food for thought

Keywords for life

Month and a half in review (bulleted edition)

Oops, I did it again?

Very Big City cleanout

Pre-travel update: the year thus far

Social balance

The purge continues

Sustainable blogging?

Let the purge begin!

Travelling

Seven weird things

Clearing out

Long nights and slow days

Lost in lists

New Year's theme

Inconspicuous consumption

New Year, New Posts

Bringing you deep, though-provoking content

Just F.Y.I.

The last post

A fine line

I did it!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm tired...

In recent news...

First to fall

An easy out after a crazy day

Oh, the excitement!

Day 10 Revelations

Finished Object

Thursday love

Message for the boy on the bus

Work, work, work

Baby, It's Cold Inside!

Productive weekend

Return to Normalcy, Part the Second

Return to Normalcy, Part One

NaBloPoMo

Return to the land of internet access

Summer (non-?) break

Hot time, summer in the city

Great quote

"It's time, time, time that you love"

Not-so-recent thrift finds

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

ABD

Comps, The End of Part One

Comps, Day 3

Comps, Day 2

Comps, Day 1

It's not easy being green, Part 1

Long time, no post

Colour Patterns

Time for sleep

The Purge: The Beginning

Good news

Comments...*swoon*

Annie

Goodbye, Sweet Girl

A taxonomy of tics

Ups and downs

New Year's non-resolutions

Always learning

Thanksgiving

A little bit away

I need a project

Random photos of the day

Pre-weekend wrap up

Projects yet to come

T-minus seven days

Where I wish I were right now

Oopsie

Fridge Friday

Working hard or hardly working?

Smørrebrød

She's making a list...

Comments...swoon