Friday, April 18, 2008

Oops, I did it again?

No posts for a month and a half. I could say I've been crazy busy with the teaching and the dissertation and all manner of work things, and that would be kind of true. I could say that I just slipped into the ether again, and that would be kind of true too. I could say that I'm just plain old lazy and...well...that would actually probably be pretty true, especially if we factor the state of my apartment into the equation.

But, the truth is, I've been feeling like in writing this blog I've been becoming too serious. Too flat. Too not-me, in some ways. I feel so much funnier in real life. So much more animated and lively and silly. And while I'm not always all of these things consistently or simultaneously (especially now, when I spend a large chunk of my time as a ball of stress for various reasons), I just don't feel like they've been coming across. And, as a result, I'm faced with considering (yet again) what, exactly, I want this space to be, and how I want to be in it, and what I want to do with it.

Tonight I got dressed up all in orange and dark grey, and I walked across the street and gabbed and laughed and ate cheese and donuts with a friend for hours, and it was great. I came home and had a long online conversation with my Sweetie, and that was great too. Now I'm sitting on the couch, window open, breeze blowing, shoes tossed off on the floor beside me, and this is great too.

I don't feel like I'm capturing any of that - the little bits of my life that make it so great. Maybe it feels like something no one else would want to read. Maybe I just need to keep posting until I find some kind of a voice that works and that allows me to keep writing regularly, rather than in fits and starts. Maybe I really did just deserve that B+ that I got for creative writing in undergrad and this just isn't the venue for me.

For now, I'll keep on trying though, and will see what comes out. But, one thing I know is that while I don't necessarily want this whole space to be lighter as a whole, especially as I ponder serious issues in my own life and the world in general, I do want it to have more lightness working its way in.

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